Category: Journaling My Days

I journaled for years on paper and I expect to be doing it in some form until my last days. In short summary, I teach mindfulness to parents of kids with challenges; I garden as often and as much as I can in Wisconsin and I am working through the threads of grief six years after my husband’s death. I am very grateful for finding and chasing the joy in this unexpected life.

dukkha

I meant to go to bed early tonight.  Well, I did go to bed early, found a pleasant movie, watched most of it, started dozing off, turned it off and turned over to go to sleep.  And then, every worry in the world descended.  Or no specific worry.  Unspecific anxiety took over.  It has been coming on all day, starting this morning when I set aside time to write email queries about teaching meditation.  I managed to get off one email and then panic took over.  Tonight I decided that I am not ready to offer services and need time and some kind of practice.  The dukkha or suffering here is secondary.  I worry that I am anxious because I will never be ready to do anything!  A bit of hyperbole but in alignment with my feelings.

Living with this inside all day, growing and fermenting.  Finally tonight with this sleeplessness, it dawns on me that this is about transition and graduation.  I set a number of goals for myself this school year and I have met them.  And now what??  The “now what” is my fear that I will allow fear to overtake me and not DO anything.  That I will freeze in place or move sideways.  It is so very hard for me to rest in completion.  Rest and allow what is next to come to me.

Rest and allow does not come naturally.  And there is the planning of Julia’s summer and the transition to middle school to stress and worry over.  No, there is no reason to stress and worry.  I have support, good support, and some very good options, but there was no convincing myself today that worry was not the only way to deal with it.

I would like to write that after writing and sitting with this suffering that it has dissolved and I am at peace.  Well, not so easy but i am willing to be with it, willing to feel it and let it have its way for the time it needs to.  It is irrational and transitory.  It will move on.  i am much closer to observing without judgment on this one, not all the way there yet, but closer than ever before.

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time away

I feel the drag of not writing for what feels like a long time.  Checking now — and two weeks is as long as I can go.  Sometimes, like this time, I mean to catch up but don’t want to or cannot take the time, lose more time, lose momentum and refuse to write.  Until I cannot stand it any longer, and that is today.

I’ve had the odd feeling for a few days that I have been rehearsing living for quite a while and that I am now living.  It has to do with grieving — that sheer will of putting one foot in front of the other day after day no matter the reason, the need to survive for a child, for a reason unnamed, the confusion of why.  I did not realize that this was what I was doing.  Yes, the willful survival during the first year or so, but I imagined myself past that a long time ago.  Last week, I realized as I was making my bed that I no longer pull up the covers with the promise that I will live the day and be rewarded with a warm bed and the oblivion of sleep when I am tired.  It startled me that I did not need the promise of oblivion to begin and get through the day.  I did not even remember when and if I first made that promise to myself.

Julia report:

  • Last weekend’s RE class was long and boring, too much material and just many, many words without illustration and only one diversion — a “science” experiment, pouring different liquids into a cup to watch them turn colors and wipe away color.  It was an illustration of an closed and open mind.  Julia was quiet, sometimes preoccupied with picking fingers or her own thoughts, but not at all disruptive.  After class, I asked Julia what the class was about.  She was able to tell me about the science experiment and absolutely nothing else.  Words, without embellishment, just don’t work for her.  This is not a new observation but a good reminder as I get ready to talk to middle school teachers.
  • We are still riding the new big bike around the block whenever it is warm enough to do that.  I am still running behind her.  She is not yet secure enough to take on more.  However, balance is good and she is consistently braking with hand brakes and not jumping off the bike.  Getting started is not always easy.  I am hoping to have the patience to wait her out and run around the block until she is ready to go further.
  • At Gallery Night last Friday at Randall School, Julia sold the six pictures of birds that she drew for the event.  Julia has had a hard time letting go of her work to anyone.  Favorite teachers and therapists have asked for a picture that Julia has made and she has flatly refused.  So this felt like a big step.  Money helped.  She took her $6 (and we could have charged more) and spent it on what other kids made — a big yellow flower and a pen with a flower on one end.

Some friends have offered to buy pictures from Julia’s fairy dinosaur ballerinas series.  We made prints for teachers last year at the end of school.  I am wondering if I can interest her in making more pictures and also making prints and/or cards as a summer project.  We could sell to friends and if we did a healthy number have a booth at our church art fair which is in the fall.  I see a number of reasons to take on such a project.  My hesitation is Julia’s ownership of it.  For so much of the time, it is me or teachers or therapists who lead the way for Julia — setting up experiences, guiding her through them and then doing most of the reflection when the experience is over.  I admit that at time, I get tired of leading her.  Typical children are led as well — the decision to engage in suzuki lessons after a very little child expresses an interest is about leading.  It is more than a rare four year old, or 7 or 10 year old who wants to practice daily.  And I guess I am still on that typical child’s calendar.  By 13, I expect that the child will want what they are doing at least as much or better still more than the parent.  Not so with Julia and I hope that I am doing what is best when I devise and push projects and activities.

Last Friday, during Gallery Night an art teacher from another school in town did henna hand painting.  Julia and I both had our hand painted — hers in a lotus design, mine with a sunflower.  The flowers were lovely and I so enjoyed the decoration.  Mine is gently fading; Julia’s less so.  I have my hands in more water than she does.  This is the child who will one day get a tattoo.

I have joined the Forgiveness Challenge (http://journey.forgivenesschallenge.com), Desmond and Mpho Tutu’s 30-day, world wide online workshop.  I am on day 3.  Of course, there is much work to do.

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hot lunch

Julia ordered hot lunch at school on Thursday.  She did it deliberately.  Before lunch time, she took her brought-from-home lunch out of the class lunch bin and put it in her locker.  When the class went down to lunch she got in line for hot lunch and took a hot plastic tray to her seat.  It was pizza and she was very pleased.  Her teacher and an aide caught the aberration too late and let her just eat.  Julia has been taking her lunch to school since kindergarten — for a long time she didn’t like the bread based lunches that were served, the food is not that good, and frankly, I don’t think she noticed that other kids were getting school lunches.

Her teacher fired off an email to report this behavior.

And so did Julia.  I mean she told me.  First thing off the school bus was . . . to back up, she came off the school bus excited to tell me something.  This is very rare.  I am usually prodding and scaffolding for a few words about the day.  She declared that she wanted to eat hot lunch at school.  I could almost hear, “like everyone else.”  At least, I think so.

I have a lot of questions about this.  I could theorize.  Is this an opening out and due to her visual therapy? Did she know that pizza was being served?  I don’t consider that this was impulsive behavior — seems pretty deliberate and planned to me.

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saturday

You get up where you fall down. You don’t get up somewhere else. It’s where you fall down that you establish your practice.

—Ryokan Steve Weintraub, “Umbrella Man”

Facebook seems to be always full of links and games and quotes.  For me it is not as appealing as it was when it was friends posting about glories, worries, and mishaps.  And the stellar achievements of their offspring.  Still, every once in awhile, there is something that is undeniably attractive.

This.  Above.

First day of spring break, we sleep in — by an hour which is no where near enough for me — Julia is starving — had no interest in eating well yesterday when she was with friends while I went to the theater — I am feeling low to begin with — rain outside, wrestling with the bike decision for Julia, wanting to be outside, feeling uncomfortable with the online course assignment, and grumpy because I wanted to sleep in, really sleep in.  I get up to take my shower, ask Julia to get dressed.  Ask Julia to get dressed.  Ask Julia to get dressed.  She is in bed playing with her iPad.  She loses the iPad for the day.  Our standard deal — no listening, no iPad.

And I don’t expect to have any fun today.  I can see it all now.  This is precisely where I fall down.  The question is can I get up, really get up to begin again, not to add to the embers of anger and resentment and discontent that I am guarding inside.  Can I sit with this, sit without judgment and then move.

When days begin this way, Julia seems to push more buttons, be especially uninterested in pleasing me, drops things because she is not paying attention, and similar annoyances.

I move through the beginnings of the morning — meds, breakfast, schedule (I always write a schedule for Julia), and my list.  We so social study test studying and some cello before we leave for clinic.  And we sit for twenty minutes.  I sit with my grumpiness and by the end I can almost look at it without seeing it as just plain bad.

I get through my list while Julia is at therapy at clinic — return a drier, buy something for Cheshire, do the big good shopping at Woodman’s which is crazy on a Saturday. Go to the coffee shop, have some and order something else for Cheshire.  When Julia is finished we go to REI, order her bike and buy her summer sandals.  Gratitude rears its head when I find out she can still fit into a kids size Keens — the adult sizes are twice the price of kids.

We go to chufgrg rch, early, so we sit and work on a few math problems.  I co-teach and don’t really have much to say at all.  I am hardly a coach through the arts & crafts portion of class.  I decide no to the potluck, lonely today but not sure I can pull off friendly.  We go home and I cook.  I haven’t heard from my sitter for the evening.  I was scheduled to go to a party.  Sitter doesn’t show, texts last minute.  She is ok, i was worried about her.  I don’t mind staying home.

We watch Frozen, singing along with all the songs except for that cutting ice song.  Julia goes to bed and reads.  I work on easter eggs and watch Parenthood.  I’ve done nothing for my online course today, but it is the intimidation quotient is a good deal of what set my mood for today.

Sleep is late and blessed.

Somedays, making it through is the success.  It is all a practice.

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transitions

I am going on retreat this weekend.  My last scheduled retreat through Quest.  It took me signing up for a 2-year program and promising to go to all of the retreats (6 in all) in order to allow myself to take time for myself.  Now, I need to make sure I keep it up — like exercise, like practice, like anything out of my daily round, I can forget so easily how important self care is.

When I was part of a couple, it was not necessarily easier to remember to take care of myself, but there was  . . . I don’t know a word for it.  Couple-time.  Down time together.  We took time — as simple as a walk or a late night tea, sitting on the couch cuddling watching a movie.  There was self care and also care for the beloved and most of the time that was enough to fill me.  Perhaps that is another reason to couple.  I did not have to work at care.  I cared because I loved.

Now, it needs to be deliberate.  And so be it.

My sphere is small.  Sometimes smaller than I realize.  A friend called from England last night and my phone was turned off.  When Julia went to bed, I went to call back and discovered that I could not make an international call on my cell.  It struck me that my world had shrunk very small if, in the last four years, I had not even discovered that I could not make international calls.  Of course, now I remember that it was not a concern when I had a landline and then we used Skype all of the time when Cheshire was traveling.  But in truth, I have not thought about this is a long time.  The idea makes me claustrophobic.  How small I have made my box.  How insulated.  I understand the urge and the need for such diminutive size.  Healing, at least for me, is not done in a large forum.  Small feels very safe.  And after all of this change, change is still a challenge.  I find I must be vigilant to support it.  I proclaim and most of the time imagine that I have readied myself to accept and embrace change.  That it has become my way of life.  But however true that may be in some realms in others it is a true lie.

I have stopped using commas.  I have overused them for years and now . . . when?

Julia:  Very happy to have me away for a weekend and to spend the time with one of her beloved therapists.  I could wonder if this means good attachment or bad.  I both fear and embrace wholeheartedly her need for independence.  We are working through a trauma book with Marilyn (attachment/trauma therapist).  Julia has been drawing pictures of a “sad, mad, scared” brain and of a happy brain.   The pictures are quite amazing.  She captures feelings.  When we ask her to make these drawings, after reading a description, she happily trots to the table and begins work.  Yes, I think she thinks in pictures, and although I can talk about it and read about it, I really do not understand it.  I so definitely think in words.

Last weekend, I wrote down “rules” for solving simple math word problems.  The rules are illustrated — at least as well as I can do that.  We have been using the rules.  I had Julia do her paragraph writing for the week about the rules for problem solving.  Another way to get the rules into her brain.  I am not interested in any math work — which I imagine will always be a challenge for Julia — for its own sake.  No “two trains departing from opposite sides of the world going different speeds with some finite number of stops each and where do they meet.”  I want her to be able to go into an art store, order supplies, and know if she has sufficient cash to pay for them.

Julia broke her first easter egg. Her thumb went right through a shell she was working on.  It is inevitable to break a few eggs in the beginning.  Who knows how careful you must be with eggs until you break a few?!  She handled it very well — felt badly, didn’t really want to throw it away but didn’t want a smelly eggs around, and moved on.  There is evidence of her years of intensive therapy!

And my Curriculum Training Course with Mindfulschool.com began last evening with an online video introduction.  It is a big class — 40 on the call, at least three times that in the class.  I am excited to get going.  I can almost feel myself crossing a threshold.

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fun

Julia got out of school at 10:45 and I was in a LEND workshop helping to facilitate for the day. One of our respite providers was able to stay with Julia until 2 and then dropped her off at Waisman. Julia hung out and on her iPad while I finished up my day.

It has been my habit to go home after a day like this and have a work night. Math, reading, cello, social studies and anything else that Julia needs to be working on. And a decent supper from scratch or the freezer. We do not take many days off.

And so, we took the rest of today off. We went to a 4:40 show of the Lego Movie and for the first time ever, I wished I was a 9 year old boy who was obsessed with Lego. The plot was nothing to speak of but it was fun and silly and had some really cool Lego effects — my favorite was the undulating Lego ocean. We had popcorn and stayed through the credits. When we got home, Julia dragged out her Legos and went to building — of course, what else? And I made some rice and scrambled eggs with rice. We watched another episode of Star Trek and Julia went to bed. I am looking for fun. Some undemanding, indulgent, un-useful fun.

It has been a long time since fun has been on the agenda. I don’t know if that is mainly because of the therapeutic life that we’ve led or grieving. Or some combination of the two. There is so much work to do but recently I remember weekend afternoon naps while Miazaki was on the tv, walks, just walks, toys all over the house and long conversations with a beer. I remember Julia laughing much more than she does now as a rule. And I can remember this without tears or depression or regret. I can hold the sadness and still wish I was a 9 year old boy. I realize that I’ve never had the discussion with anyone about balancing a therapeutic life with fun but perhaps I need to find someone to have that discussion with.

It is time for fun.

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miracles

I am in the midst of spring cleaning. It is a diversion. I would much rather be working on the garden but there is still some snow and where no snow, there is mud. And even if the mud dried enough to be tillable soil it is too cold to be kneeling in it.

So, I’ve decided to clean. I started on the bedrooms and bathroom upstairs because I usually start downstairs. Yesterday, I worked on the third bedroom, nominally designated Cheshire’s room, but she has never lived there. Her bedroom furniture lives there and some clothes. David took over that room when we moved in because there was not enough closet space in our room. Later he moved a desk for writing. Then a bookcase. When his medical paraphernalia out grew the bathroom medicine cabinet — by that time, I had long abandoned the medicine cabinet leaving only my tooth brush and paste behind — and the top of his dresser, the desk became mission control for pills and charts and monitoring equipment.

I had forgotten how much this was David’s room with Cheshire’s bed in it. All of David’s stuff has been long gone and the room stripped of everything but what belongs to Cheshire. I change the bedding when Cheshire or a guest comes and I lay out my clothes before travel on the bed, but the room could all but disappear and we would not miss it. There are lined and insulated shades on the windows to keep temperature stable when it is very cold or very hot. Yesterday, I spent more time in that room than I have ever spent.

As I moved furniture around to clean, I rearranged. It is a small room, so bed, dresser and vanity have a finite arrangement. When I put everything back against walls, it was probably the arrangement that I used when we first moved into the house. Something — dare I say Chi or spirit or something not of this world, perhaps something inside of me — was stirred up. It was as if there was something stored in this room, something that I could not let go of or something that was not ready to be released. I don’t usually have any emotional attachment to the act of cleaning. I only do it because something is dirty. I like a clean space but if someone else was to do it, I would feel no loss of process. As I cleaned yesterday, I gathered emotion. I was overcome with sadness. I felt an emptiness, a heaviness. I felt an anxiousness. If I could have, I would have opened windows although I don’t think that an open window would have dispelled the gloom. I did not remove myself from the sadness but it was dammed hard to be present to it.

Then, last night, I decided that the room needed to look like a guest room. It needed to be inviting, something that would not be so bad to do for Cheshire’s visits either. I wanted new bedding, the rearrangement of pictures and some retrieved from storage. It needed a rug, new shades and the vanity stool recovered. The room seemed to beg for a happy, bright green, something with stripes, flowers. Something of Mexico and the Caribbean. I began looking at rugs online and found a red rug for my living room. (My living room rug is old and worn, but I had not gotten to thinking about replacing it.) And I found some happy green rugs that would look good in the bedroom.

And then I had to stop myself and take a few very deep breaths. What was I doing? I was looking to bring color and movement and the visual joy into the house again. I don’t mean that I’ve lived with blinds drawn and grey drapes over furniture but everything, almost everything, had had a muted, soft, comforting feel. I have made it that way, left it that way until there was reason for change. There has been very little passionate Chi zipping around this house.

And now I am feeling that it should not be so. Let the shopping begin! Integration, change, healing. It happens when I least expect it. It happened cleaning. It recognized it by wanting to decorate, to shop — activities that I don’t associate with myself. It crept up on me when I I was not looking for it, when I was humming along with some tunes and windexing the mirror. All these happy, busy feelings which nicely coincide with the coming of spring — if and when that comes — may disappear tomorrow. May at the very least fade tomorrow. Still, I am grateful for yesterday and today. For the miracle effectuated by a spring cleaning.

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chemistry

Possibly a great sign of the new normal.  Possibly just loneliness.  Possibly the emerging spring.  When an email announced that Chemistry.com was having a free communication weekend, I checked it out.

Some background: Months after David died I sign up for that dating site.  I was in no way ready to date, let alone speak intelligently to someone I did not know, but I was curious what was out there.  Who was out there and who was using a dating website at my age.  I checked out men who were looking for women and also women who were looking for men.  What I discovered was pretty disheartening — The women all were looking way better than I was.  Nine months into grieving had done nothing for my face or body so there were no surprises there, but I was struck by the easy flirty profiles and great pictures.  The men . . . no one was incredibly appealing although to be fair that was more about my state of mind than anything else.  I expressed interest in a few of my “matches,” never heard from most.  I got a lot messages, etc., from men who were excluded from the site before I checked out their profiles.  Scam artist?  Sleazy guys?  I had no idea.  I did not re-up after my initial time and I’ve ignored any notice from the site until this weekend.

On Friday, I edited my profile a bit — it was a bit intense and I remembered those flirty profiles.  I will never be flirty and I still sound very serious.  I put in a few current pictures and “winked” at a few of the matches and set sail.  And so far, not so good.  Very few men are interested and most of them live in Chicago.  Most of them sound, well, frankly, weird.  I know the saying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs . . . but really.  There is the same proliferation of scam artists and/or sleazy guys.  And, I know that to some extent this is going to sound elitist but really, why would a conservative, christian, gas station attendant with a high school education and without any picture think I would find him interesting without some really intelligent or witty come on?

So, this was not a fruitful experiment and I will not be plunking down my credit card number in order to write a next chapter in my online dating saga.  I will probably never meet a guy online — I never did well at dances in high school or cocktail parties and bars later on.  But there was a time, granted it was a long, long time ago — when I had a healthy male infused social life.  I am feeling ready for that again.  I actually feel like I have the energy and desire to get to know someone, to ask a few questions and be interested.

I know, I am not 17, diet-starved, and stary-eyed.  I am  . . . well, old, a widow, and I have a 13 year old who may always live with me.  And I know the odds are NOT in my favor.  But ya’ know, I don’t really care.  I would like a partner. I know that I thrive on partnership and I’m not a bad partner myself.  I’ve never wanted to live alone and always wanted to share my life.

Listen up Universe.  Give me a little help here.  I’ll do my part but I am going to need some help.

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strings

I ran jogged around most of the block yesterday morning — .75 of the block to be exact.  I need to get my body moving and nothing that I have done before is appealing right now.  Perhaps yoga or more tai chi but spring is coming and I yearn — yearn is a bit too strong to put the impulse — to be moving outside.  Gardening is out of the question right now.  Mud, mud, mud.  And there is still little bits of snow all over the yard.  And I’ve never tried a run.  The fact that Cheshire and Lisa have done it and are trying to make a Thanksgiving run part of our holiday celebration make me curious.

Julia is performing in the Spring Strings Festival today.  She passed — could play the song by memory — three tunes.  That puts her at level 2.  There are a lot of fifth grade kids at level 2.  She probably worked harder than most of those kids to learn and memorize those tunes.  And she is the only kid out of hundreds who has an aide sitting next to her, but she is there and playing.  Watching the rehearsal yesterday afternoon, I almost burst into tears.  I am so proud of her.  So happy for her.  Of course, when I told her, she was polite and happy to be doing the concert, but it was no big deal to her.  And isn’t that wonderful too?

There is a new sadness in the collage.  I am so proud of Julia and her playing.  Especially proud because music was such an important part of our family when Cheshire was growing up.  The sadness comes from not having anyone to share this pride and happiness with.  No one who knows the day-to-day struggles and can bask in the sunshine of rewards.  I guess I’ve felt this before, since David died, but when I did it was mixed with so much grieving that the feeling did not stand out.  And there were so many more days of struggle than of triumph so the achievements were not quite there to stand out.  Living away from family during Cheshire’s growing up, there were never grandparents or aunt and uncles to enjoy successes, but just us and our friends were enough.  Today, I text Cheshire and post of Facebook and send an email to Julia’s teacher.  Right now,  I want to scream that that is not enough!

I sit drinking tea, my head aching from being so close to tears.  I am grateful for every “like” and comment on Facebook.  Cheshire will write and be happy for us, and Julia’s teacher will be thrilled.  Would I have felt this alone had I chosen to be a single mother?  Certainly, life would have been full of circumstances like today.  Of course, I might have dealt with this sorrow when baby first walked.

The other truly incredible things about yesterday’s rehearsal was that Julia saw lots of kids she knew from both school and church school.  She said hello to all of them and called them by name.  Her therapy and school teams have been working on greetings and having her recognize individual kids for this entire school year.  At the beginning of the year, she did not know the names of many of the kids in her class, and I don’t think that it mattered to her.  They were “the kids” or “guys” to her.  I think they were a blur of noise and movement in her consciousness.  In the Fall, she and I sat with the composite class pictures for her class and the class that is paired with hers.  We reviewed names almost every night for a few months.  She learned the names but I did not see much generalization for what seemed like a long time.  Recently, when she tells me the three things she did during the day, names of different kids have surfaced.  Her observations are not deep but she calls one or the other her friend or her best friend.  There are still many times when she does not “hear” greetings said to her, but last night she had something to offer to everyone that she knew.

And math word problems, of which we do three every night, are getting ever so slightly easier.

Julia is on a roll!

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eggs, tarantulas, travel

I begin blog entries and get dead ended after a paragraph or two.  I’ve been writing letters and trying to complete a scholarship application for the online course that I want to take next.  Also, it is tax time.  I have my way of preparing and I usually get down to it at exactly this time of year.  How predictable is that?  I always imagine that I am getting started this year much later than last year, but looking at my prep documents from previous years . . . Yes, same process, same time.

Julia and I are making eggs in the evenings a few nights a week.  Julia finished her first egg and I cleaned off the wax.  She was satisfied with the result, not astonished, not disappointed.  She had already started a second egg and while that was in dye last night, a third.  She has no interest in looking at pictures — I’ve said this before.  I am so dependent on the traditional designs.  Julia has her own ideas.  I’ll post pictures soon.  I’ve made three eggs and ready to begin challenging myself.  I am not using any guiding elastics on the eggs to begin designs this year.  It is changing what I can and want to do.  Again, I’ll put up pictures. Continue reading →

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