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Possibly a great sign of the new normal.  Possibly just loneliness.  Possibly the emerging spring.  When an email announced that Chemistry.com was having a free communication weekend, I checked it out.

Some background: Months after David died I sign up for that dating site.  I was in no way ready to date, let alone speak intelligently to someone I did not know, but I was curious what was out there.  Who was out there and who was using a dating website at my age.  I checked out men who were looking for women and also women who were looking for men.  What I discovered was pretty disheartening — The women all were looking way better than I was.  Nine months into grieving had done nothing for my face or body so there were no surprises there, but I was struck by the easy flirty profiles and great pictures.  The men . . . no one was incredibly appealing although to be fair that was more about my state of mind than anything else.  I expressed interest in a few of my “matches,” never heard from most.  I got a lot messages, etc., from men who were excluded from the site before I checked out their profiles.  Scam artist?  Sleazy guys?  I had no idea.  I did not re-up after my initial time and I’ve ignored any notice from the site until this weekend.

On Friday, I edited my profile a bit — it was a bit intense and I remembered those flirty profiles.  I will never be flirty and I still sound very serious.  I put in a few current pictures and “winked” at a few of the matches and set sail.  And so far, not so good.  Very few men are interested and most of them live in Chicago.  Most of them sound, well, frankly, weird.  I know the saying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs . . . but really.  There is the same proliferation of scam artists and/or sleazy guys.  And, I know that to some extent this is going to sound elitist but really, why would a conservative, christian, gas station attendant with a high school education and without any picture think I would find him interesting without some really intelligent or witty come on?

So, this was not a fruitful experiment and I will not be plunking down my credit card number in order to write a next chapter in my online dating saga.  I will probably never meet a guy online — I never did well at dances in high school or cocktail parties and bars later on.  But there was a time, granted it was a long, long time ago — when I had a healthy male infused social life.  I am feeling ready for that again.  I actually feel like I have the energy and desire to get to know someone, to ask a few questions and be interested.

I know, I am not 17, diet-starved, and stary-eyed.  I am  . . . well, old, a widow, and I have a 13 year old who may always live with me.  And I know the odds are NOT in my favor.  But ya’ know, I don’t really care.  I would like a partner. I know that I thrive on partnership and I’m not a bad partner myself.  I’ve never wanted to live alone and always wanted to share my life.

Listen up Universe.  Give me a little help here.  I’ll do my part but I am going to need some help.