Category Archives: Journaling My Days

I journaled for years on paper and I expect to be doing it in some form until my last days. In short summary, I teach mindfulness to parents of kids with challenges; I garden as often and as much as I can in Wisconsin and I am working through the threads of grief six years after my husband’s death. I am very grateful for finding and chasing the joy in this unexpected life.

transplanting

21 Sunday Jul 2019

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BCE05011-526C-4162-8C8A-414CBCDC75C9

The great warrior cat, Muta, guards, protects and keeps cool.

Saturday. 4:34 pm. 95 Degrees F (35 C). 

The house is pleasant with the window air conditioner working in the living room and the portable air conditioner at the other end of the house in the kitchen.  We’ve been puttering all day, only pausing briefly to check outside on how hot the hot really was.  Julia unpacked our CDs onto the rack.  I rearranged furniture; consolidated boxes, put the IKEA tv table together, organized the electric cords for the tv, air conditioner and internet, put stuff that I have no room for on Facebook Marketplace and answered email.  It has been a productive day but strangely unsatisfying.

I have 10 boxes left to unpack (There are more boxes in the basement but most are storage boxes.  At least, for now.).  Inside the 10 boxes is art, pictures, and decoration.  Funny, I think I started with 10 boxes of art, etc., and I’ve unpacked a few.  Is the art multiplying? Continue reading →

growing home

15 Monday Jul 2019

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“Emptiness refers to the absence of something that, for some reason, one expects to find—as when we say a glass, normally used to hold liquids, is empty even though it is full of air. The point is not that there is nothing there at all, but rather that what is there differs from your expectations.” ~William S. Cobb, “The Game of Go”

Expectations. Emptiness. What I hold on to that I don’t even form into thoughts, into the stuff of consciousness. Unconscious expectations. Ah, that is interesting stuff.

Sunday.  Julia is up first, watched some tv, folded her clothes and taking a shower.  For days, her lack of independence compared to her typical peers has been what I see and I have felt such sadness.  For me, for sure, but more, for her.  Listening to her move around our new home, sounds that are unfamiliar and not easily identified, I see, ah yes, I see, expectations.  For all that I preach, to myself and others, about natural unfolding and patience, I am still comparing her to peers. I am comparing peacocks to robins. Continue reading →

oops

12 Friday Jul 2019

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Small adventures.  A visit to Newton-Wellsley Hospital for help applying for Julia’s MassHealth insurance and then hours at my desk filling out the supplemental disability form.  Done and mailed and waiting.

A visit to the MA Registry of Motor Vehicles on Monday to get (1) my license, (2) MA plates and (3) a non-driver’s license ID for Julia.  I didn’t bring sufficient documentation for my license and I don’t yet have sufficient documentation for Julia’s ID.  And Oy, registration and plates.  I need my title to change registration and I don’t have one.

It’s a long story, a perfect example of the perils of procrastination.  Continue reading →

notes from the spiral

07 Sunday Jul 2019

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The Newton Living room/Dining room 

A week and two days.  Hold tight.  This is long.  I’ve taken notes.  I am really tired and last night Cheshire and Justin brought over an “extra” air conditioner to take the edge off the heat.  We’ve made it though the loading, the drive, the almost catastrophe, the arrival, the delivery, seeing our new home, a measure of unpacking, and our ninth death day celebration.  Lots of being here with some worry on the side.

Beginning last Thursday.  Closing on the Madison house and the journey out here were, as in any good transformative tale, challenging.  My buyers hesitated and complained a bit. Wedding jitters? This might have been their first old house buy or their first buy together.  My cleaners were responsible for some of the anxiety—the middle burner on the stove top probably still wet from cleaning did not immediately light and the cellar floor, still wet from a wash, suggested a wet basement.  Then, the central air did not immediately switch on and blow out cold air, but I hadn’t run it yet this season and directions needed to be followed.  Does anyone read directions? Eventually and with some realtor help, signing happened.  I worried and fretted from the road and was happy and relieved that I had pre-signed what I needed to do last week. Continue reading →

hand up high in the air

25 Tuesday Jun 2019

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5F64E1D8-9108-43E6-A05B-2CB997BB54D7Yesterday. Two more sleeps. 

Today. One more sleep. How many times did Julia and I do the “sleeps” countdowns when we were getting ready to travel?  This time counting sleeps is for me.  Are we really going?  Will Boston really be there?  Next week, this time, with a bit of luck, we should be in a house I’ve never seen, unpacking.  

Today is our last quiet morning.  Tomorrow, the movers come.  There are still so many measures of uncertainty—no idea of what time movers are coming and so, what time my clean up crew can start.  The buyers want to walk through at 2:30, or rather the buyer’s agent named that time.  I’ve been visited by half of the buying couple twice to measure for a washing machine and to show her the garden, and I suspect that she is not pushing to do a walkthrough before the movers are finished, but who knows . . .  The window for deliver is still July 1st to the 8th. With some luck, they will close that window up tomorrow.  If it is the 1st to the 3rd, we will camp out in the new place starting July 1. We will be connected to the internet by noon on the 1st. Cheshire has two air mattresses, I have 2 camp chairs, swim towels and our picnic stuff in the car.  I have reservations for our travel nights and a plan to see Seneca Falls on Saturday.  Passports and the cat’s certificate of health are in our travel folder. Continue reading →

packed and put away

20 Thursday Jun 2019

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0FAFD24A-F622-4366-AA49-EF120EA48B68I am finished!  Now, perhaps the words, a few thoughts will come.  I have described the last two or so weeks as “not writers block.”  Really, I always have something to say, some of it not incredibly inspiring, perhaps most of it not very inspiring, but usually cogent.  However, recently I sit down at my usual writing times and discover that the words come slowly, are forced, and trite, are almost stupidly simple.  “I’m having a hard day,” was the start on Tuesday and then nothing after that.   Continue reading →

work arounds

11 Tuesday Jun 2019

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9E740784-01C3-4054-855F-C8FE90F2BD80Last Thursday: This moving to a different state thing with someone with a disability is not for the faint of heart.  And today I am feeling pretty heart faint.  Enough so, to let go of more of what I had planned to accomplish before leaving.  Specifically, health insurance.

Explanation:  Julia will qualify for a MassHealth program.  Eventually.  My goal has been a seamless transition—leave Forward Health, WI Medicaid, on June 30; begin MassHealth on July 1.  This will not happen. (Ok, I was the most naive, cockeyed optimist ever!)  And so, I am left with “eventually.” Information I’ve gleaned from various sources (all state employees or expert advisory staff) has been cripplingly conflicting.  Ex: At 18, she can apply for MassHealth as a single adult.  At 18, I have to apply for MassHealth and ask to have her covered as my child. (I don’t qualify for MassHealth.). Another example: In January, Health Care For All  told me I could apply for Julia’s coverage when I had a lease.  Last week, the same helpline said, I cannot submit any application until we were in MA.  I’ve stopped sputtering my buts—‘but last time I called. . . . ,’ and ‘but the website says. . . ‘ —but I was defeated.   Continue reading →

long weekend notes

27 Monday May 2019

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Weekend notes. Art, pictures, mirrors and empty frames are off the walls.  It is sooner than I expected but it was what presented itself for today when it started out cloudy, dark and wet.  After two boxes of art/pictures (with another two to go), I am finished for today because there is sun and a chance to sit on our deck and tap on keys.  We have not had anytime outside in this lovely space this spring.  Granted, there may have been a few appropriate days that we missed.  Trees have fully leafed out, the grass is extraordinarily green, the peonies are poised to burst with just a few more days of sun and a million ants, and the lily of the valley . . . another one of my favorites . . . blooms!  Thankfully, a friend brought by cuttings from her flower garden last week and I kept the vase—all of mine are packed.  I have what I need for lily of the valley to come inside.   Continue reading →

bullet points of now

24 Friday May 2019

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So much moving, nothing stops time, nothing stops emotion ebbing and flowing. There are lessons of impermanence around every corner.

The bullet points of the now:

-We have a place to live!  Last Thursday, Cheshire and I saw the first floor of an owner occupied 2-family victorian house, 3-bedrooms, good kitchen, laundry hook-ups in basement, off street although not garage parking and relatively close to stores and restaurants and pretty.  I made application on Friday, was rushed along when another prospective renter expressed interest, the RE agent called me (in Indianapolis, thank goodness, we don’t need land lines anymore) and broke the good news.  Lease signing, check sending, other document signing was a stuttering flurry over the next few days.  I think I can safely say that we have a place to live in Newtonville. Continue reading →

making application

17 Friday May 2019

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Yesterday, the sun rose although we needed the bathroom light to brush teeth close to 7:00 o’clock.  Two hours later, there was dim light in the distance to the north and all else was dark. We had wind and shaken new leaves falling.  Storm.  Thunder rolled in.  I sat with legs over the arm of my leather overstuffed chair, a pillow at my back so very aware of the moment and its passing.  Six weeks minus one day.  Are Madison storms  different from the storms on the east coast?  I think so although I don’t remember how.  I remember our first Indiana thunder storms — fierce and furious.  Storm drains filling so quickly and rushing so fast.  Cheshire in First Grade in the south of town and us stuck midtown Bloomington.  No cell phones then (except on tv), all we could do was wait. I don’t remember what storms were like in NYC or Jersey.  Or Boston for that matter.

I will make comparisons.

With renewed vigor, curious about what we could find, Cheshire visited 4 apartment yesterday after her work day.  The last place she saw in the north of Newton, is the first floor of an owner occupied two-family, heavily wood-worked, excellent stove, 3-bedroom house.  The fireplace may work and there is a place for our desks and Julia’s art supplies.  I am making application.  Perhaps we have found the new home.  The school—it is Newton North—I will do some writing to PTB in the next month and then much more when we arrive.  Perhaps that beautiful building will serve Julia well, if not, I will ask for transfer to South.  Yes, more questions that I am trying to love.