summer profile

29 Thursday Jul 2021

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter

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Covid19, post-high school, transition, trauma

Facebook memories pop up: 3 years ago today, we were at Coogee Beach in Australia; 4 years ago we were cruising in Alaska; 5 years ago we were in the lovely town of Orta San Giulio in Italy and 6 years ago, we were with Julia’s China Sisters in Ohio. We are going to Ohio tomorrow and I hope for some fun. But today I gather my thoughts to write where Julia is these days and ask for help.

This morning I arrived at sudden clarity after months of confusion and muddle, and maybe a little hope that some of my greatest concerns could work themselves out. Nothing has worked out “by itself.” There are no answers this morning, but I can see where we are with Julia’s life, the little that is going well and all the rest.

This was excruciating to write; however, necessary. The four weeks of ESY (Extended School Year) have not gone well. Every week Julia has had some days of refusing to do the work of the day, threatening self-harm at school and having rough mornings or evenings at home. Nothing I have done at home in previous years is working. Before the school year and the new transition program begins, I need to work out some things that help Julia. She is NOT going to blend in and get adjusted by herself. She is NOT going to transition without effort. She is still on high alert and on the brink of meltdown every day. She is as hypervigilent and affected by trauma as she was 12 years ago.

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miracles & lessons

01 Thursday Jul 2021

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Travels with a Daughter

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film making, Maryland, summer

Emergence. I’m reading Rev. Kimberlee Tomczak Carlson’s blog post on the topic. As well as her wise words, there is a quote from Ursula Goodenough, scientist and religious naturalist:

“[T]ales of natural emergence [are] far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us.”

To both of them, I respond: I didn’t know that emergence could be such a thing. As attached as I am to the metaphor of chrysalis with all its possibilities of gooeyness and dissolving, I have given very little thought to emergence. Yes, I know there is, or hopefully will be, a butterfly at the end of metamorphosis but Carlson shines light on the miracle of emergence, the process of claiming change. She says:

[W]e forget how miraculous we are. The sheer improbability of our existence escapes us, and we need butterfly garden-shaped reminders. Thank goodness there are small miracles surrounding us.”

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noticings

27 Thursday May 2021

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter

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Covid19, education, high school, Newton

Last year everything shut down, quickly in a single week. It was a dizzying time of cancellations and closings. During the last two weeks, we are in the middle of openings. I remind myself repeatedly not to forget—not forget how closed we were and how hard that was, not forget how slowly we opened and what an unusual challenge re-opening has presented to us.

I appreciate that Massachusetts is opening slowly with much deliberations. Probably not perfectly, but what has been perfect about this time? The mask mandate expires on the weekend and I am grateful that Governor Baker announced the end of the mandate two weeks before it was to happen. Although very happy to imagine being maskless, I find I have reservations about completely abandoning our facial protections. Is it really that I cannot trust two shots and two weeks? Or is it that I cannot trust that those who will walk around maskless on Saturday are vaccinated? As of today 50% of Massachusetts are fully vaccinated; 69% have had at least one dose. The percentages are higher in Newton. During the weeks between announcement and maskless days, it has been comforting to be in stores and garden centers and see everyone masked. A year of protecting myself, protecting Julia, has left its mark.

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thoughts on the coming transitions

14 Friday May 2021

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Journaling My Days

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grieving, high school, hope, Julia, transition

Julia put on a red plaid skirt, a green plaid shirt and a tiny white shrug today, together with some anime character knee socks and her white sneakers. The sneakers a concession because she has track after school. When I saw the clothes heaped in a pile on the bathroom floor, ready for after shower dressing, I made my sour lemon face which Julia did not see—those clothes do not go together. And admittedly, if I tried to put them together . . . but then again, I would have never attempted to put two plaids together let alone a dark red and a light green. Julia put them on and they looked okay, interesting even, somehow not outlandish at all.

Julia has her own style. Always. And she is on her own learning curve. I have said these things, thought these things for a long time. The mantra has seeped into my soul and I am beginning to believe it.

Julia will be walking in the high school commencement ceremony in a few weeks. She will not get a regular diploma—something that was hard to give up on when she was in 9^th grade and something that I am so grateful that I did not hold onto. I think she might have been coaxed and prodded through the requirements and MCATS at Newton North, but not during these crazy two years, not during her rough transition from Madison in the months before shut down.

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almost spring

12 Friday Mar 2021

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Journaling My Days

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Covid19, health insurance, high school, HILR, transition

“March went out like a lion
Awakin’ up the water in the bay . . . “
~Carousel, Rodgers and Hammerstein, “June is Busting Out All Over”

Funny, I remember this line and sing it in my head as “March came in like a lion” every year this time of year. So, according to my lyrics, March came in as described. We have had warm hatless days and the snow is disappearing—we are not in Wisconsin anymore! When there is sunshine, the sky is a shade deeper than pale blue and we are searching for the first signs of spring breaking through the earth. I have to go on neighborhood walks to find those signs of spring instead of my own garden. Still missing my own little plot. I need to ask my landlords if I can use their side garden for vegetables and a few annuals again. I have another month or so to ask.

Signs of spring — tulips and eggs and pasanky dye

The lay of the land, so to speak, has been more interesting in the last few weeks than in many months, although there have been bumps.

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quiet

20 Thursday Aug 2020

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Journaling My Days

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home, quarantine, summer

This morning, we’ve spent the morning on our back porch. Julia is editing pictures for her blog. She has drawn most days but has not posted since the week before the wedding. We counted and that was 40 days ago. She lost interest in posting and I can’t blame her-it was supposed to be a place to put pictures for the short term. After 100+ days and 100+ pictures, it is no longer short term.

This morning, we took pictures of her pictures and it will take most of the day for her to edit and post. The blog began with pictures of what she/we did during our quarantine days but Julia got bored, it became a lot tougher to come up with ideas and I could not inspire her to continue down that path. I also was, for a short time, busy with the wedding. And so, she has been drawing what she wanted to—mostly anime characters that she obsesses about. Not being an artist or educator, I don’t know what to do next with this mountain of pictures. Perhaps an artist or educator could see some development or where to go or what to ask for next. I don’t. This has long been my challenge.

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roots, wings, officers & self-pity

28 Tuesday Jul 2020

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Journaling My Days

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autism, grieving, meditation, self-pity

237D0ECB-BCFD-4BAE-8FF4-AEAD4D5CFD26 The wedding and the week at the lake house were wonderful but not without snags and challenges—challenges that have continued into the new week.

On Friday afternoon at the lake, Julia had a melt down. It was not about anything in particular and it was not the worst she has had but it hurt me pretty deeply. We had spent the week with Cheshire’s new in-laws and they were lovely to us, to Julia. We’ve been with them for holidays and the long weekend over the Fourth of July. Their interest in Julia and kindness towards her cannot be faulted. Even their children are kind and loving. It was precisely for those reasons that Julia’s behavior hit me so hard. She was making the situatin difficult and uncomfortable. All I could see at that point was that I had brought a very difficult family to the table. Quickly my hurt devolved into self-pity. Everyone else was coupled, I was alone. I could not even deliver Cheshire’s father to the wedding. Okay, that was not my fault. At least, I knew that rationally, but rationality had no place in that dark space. My aloneness and loneliness, that I fought against all week, reared its ugly head. I saw myself as a taker and my move to Boston as a mistake. If I was far away, Cheshire could, for the most part, engage with her husband’s extended family without the challenges that Julia brings to every event. Of course, when I voiced some of this to Cheshire, she disabused me of the ideas. Continue reading →

letting go

13 Monday Jul 2020

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Journaling My Days, Pondering Quietly

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high school, Newton, travel plans, wedding

I wrote the following yesterday. It doesn’t have an ending that I am satisfied with; however, the week will only get busier. So, I’m posting it today. Perhaps some ending will come. Perhaps not.

An online friend suggested we keep our expectations low. Which ones? The expectations that I usually hold close are diminishing, falling like leaves after the first frost. Truth be told, I’ve always juggled such a plethora of hopes and dreams, long and short term goals complete with due dates, many expectations, many hopes for possible futures. I have lived for long periods of time holding expectations as a nervous bride clutches her bouquet. But today, after a year away from my old Wisconsin home and loving community, after 10 years away from the love of my life, after 17 weeks of quarantine, I bear witness to an increasing number of plans, goals and expectations dramatically dashed upon rocks or quietly slipping away. If there be a life lesson here, it must be that living in the present is what is essential. Life can be, at times, gently shaped, tended more like an orchid than a row of sturdy marigolds.

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end of week 9

15 Friday May 2020

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Journaling My Days

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art, Coronavirus, garden, high school, quarantine, writing

Morning before 8. I’ve gotten up, dressed, set up breakfast, taken out garbage cans, said hello to the guy across the street who is returning from food shopping—Ah, the wonder of senior hours. I wish I had opened a window last night to wake up to the birds. There is a lot of bird song this morning; the street, this tiny enclave, is quiet. Julia is still asleep—classes begin at 10, so no need to rush her up. I have my fresh, hot coffee and I put myself on the front porch to tap on this machine of see what comes to life.

It has been another challenging week although the challenges have been different. Julia did most of her school work, with even a bit of help from me; however, we’ve had trouble getting her linked into the zoom calls. I’ve asked the school IT for help—re-boot and reinstall—and then no way to connect. I was enormously frustrated yesterday. No way to get in, no way to get immediate help for class after class. Reboot and reinstall. I am almost sure it is my fault. I am probably doing some part of the set up wrong which makes me feel quite inadequate especially when I manage to sit Julia in front of her chrome book for class after class and she is utterly frustrated when it fails to connect. I wonder why I am not willing to just give her a pass, give us both a pass, duck out of school and go for a walk. Continue reading →

on the porch

05 Tuesday May 2020

Posted by Suzanne Buchko in Educating Julia, Growing a Daughter, Journaling My Days

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Coronavirus, high school, home

2CB2E505-4EAA-4A33-8555-1820F61563E3 Time to sit in the porch. Two porches here—front porch with chairs and back with table and chairs. Last summer, when we moved in, I was shy about using both spaces. Upstairs (landlords and neighbors) were home and using the back porch and the front porch felt public. After a winter and a quarantine, I am ready to occupy outside, share it with anyone. However, upstairs is at the summer house since the beginning of March and not planning on coming back until the end of quarantine. Muta has been at home in these spaces for months. Now I join him.

Whenever the weather has permitted, and there have been many chilly, rainy days, I or we’ve been in the side garden possibility weeding and preparing. The soil is not rich by any means. Lots of stones and pebbles. Digging it feels just a bit removed from a pebble driveway that was broken up. The best part of it, the back 10 feet or so, grew tomatoes last year. I made a garden plan—so much for just sticking a few plants in the ground in a nonchalant way—and we went shopping yesterday. It was the first time Julia was at a store since quarantine. We both wore masks and gloves. Continue reading →