I meant to go to bed early tonight. Well, I did go to bed early, found a pleasant movie, watched most of it, started dozing off, turned it off and turned over to go to sleep. And then, every worry in the world descended. Or no specific worry. Unspecific anxiety took over. It has been coming on all day, starting this morning when I set aside time to write email queries about teaching meditation. I managed to get off one email and then panic took over. Tonight I decided that I am not ready to offer services and need time and some kind of practice. The dukkha or suffering here is secondary. I worry that I am anxious because I will never be ready to do anything! A bit of hyperbole but in alignment with my feelings.
Living with this inside all day, growing and fermenting. Finally tonight with this sleeplessness, it dawns on me that this is about transition and graduation. I set a number of goals for myself this school year and I have met them. And now what?? The “now what” is my fear that I will allow fear to overtake me and not DO anything. That I will freeze in place or move sideways. It is so very hard for me to rest in completion. Rest and allow what is next to come to me.
Rest and allow does not come naturally. And there is the planning of Julia’s summer and the transition to middle school to stress and worry over. No, there is no reason to stress and worry. I have support, good support, and some very good options, but there was no convincing myself today that worry was not the only way to deal with it.
I would like to write that after writing and sitting with this suffering that it has dissolved and I am at peace. Well, not so easy but i am willing to be with it, willing to feel it and let it have its way for the time it needs to. It is irrational and transitory. It will move on. i am much closer to observing without judgment on this one, not all the way there yet, but closer than ever before.