You get up where you fall down. You don’t get up somewhere else. It’s where you fall down that you establish your practice.
—Ryokan Steve Weintraub, “Umbrella Man”
Facebook seems to be always full of links and games and quotes. For me it is not as appealing as it was when it was friends posting about glories, worries, and mishaps. And the stellar achievements of their offspring. Still, every once in awhile, there is something that is undeniably attractive.
First day of spring break, we sleep in — by an hour which is no where near enough for me — Julia is starving — had no interest in eating well yesterday when she was with friends while I went to the theater — I am feeling low to begin with — rain outside, wrestling with the bike decision for Julia, wanting to be outside, feeling uncomfortable with the online course assignment, and grumpy because I wanted to sleep in, really sleep in. I get up to take my shower, ask Julia to get dressed. Ask Julia to get dressed. Ask Julia to get dressed. She is in bed playing with her iPad. She loses the iPad for the day. Our standard deal — no listening, no iPad.
And I don’t expect to have any fun today. I can see it all now. This is precisely where I fall down. The question is can I get up, really get up to begin again, not to add to the embers of anger and resentment and discontent that I am guarding inside. Can I sit with this, sit without judgment and then move.
When days begin this way, Julia seems to push more buttons, be especially uninterested in pleasing me, drops things because she is not paying attention, and similar annoyances.
I move through the beginnings of the morning — meds, breakfast, schedule (I always write a schedule for Julia), and my list. We so social study test studying and some cello before we leave for clinic. And we sit for twenty minutes. I sit with my grumpiness and by the end I can almost look at it without seeing it as just plain bad.
I get through my list while Julia is at therapy at clinic — return a drier, buy something for Cheshire, do the big good shopping at Woodman’s which is crazy on a Saturday. Go to the coffee shop, have some and order something else for Cheshire. When Julia is finished we go to REI, order her bike and buy her summer sandals. Gratitude rears its head when I find out she can still fit into a kids size Keens — the adult sizes are twice the price of kids.
We go to chufgrg rch, early, so we sit and work on a few math problems. I co-teach and don’t really have much to say at all. I am hardly a coach through the arts & crafts portion of class. I decide no to the potluck, lonely today but not sure I can pull off friendly. We go home and I cook. I haven’t heard from my sitter for the evening. I was scheduled to go to a party. Sitter doesn’t show, texts last minute. She is ok, i was worried about her. I don’t mind staying home.
We watch Frozen, singing along with all the songs except for that cutting ice song. Julia goes to bed and reads. I work on easter eggs and watch Parenthood. I’ve done nothing for my online course today, but it is the intimidation quotient is a good deal of what set my mood for today.
Sleep is late and blessed.
Somedays, making it through is the success. It is all a practice.