moving van in 6 weeks from today

“No, no, there is no going back.
Less and less you are
that possibility you were.”

Wendell Berry’s words are in my bones. Indeed!  I have done this before —picking up my stuff, going someplace else, starting again, but never before have I so observed the process.  Never before was there so many balls being juggled with the hope that I can catch them all when gravity kicks in.  Never before has it been so bittersweet and hard.  I bleed bit by bit from Madison every day.  

I am almost the tiny man in a midair jump in the tiny painting that I have on my bedside.  There is no guarantee that he was land on solid ground.  I am not yet in the air but I am no longer on solid and familiar ground either.   Continue reading

liminality

a3288989-70cb-4510-a4d7-ae7eed0af2a6.jpegAnother liminal stage of this unexpected life.  Ah, nothing like a perfect word.  (Thank you, Anne, for giving it to me.)

First note, when we moved to Madison twelve years ago, it was to be our permanent home.  David and I had given up an east coast replant and saw Madison as the just about perfect midwest place to be for-almost-ever.  Okay, there were the winters (100 inches of snow our first winter here) but other than that, it has been pretty perfect place for the three of us.  Continue reading

just today’s scribbles

So much change, so fast, none of it bad but all of it pushing over the edges of comfort.  I start and scribble and then leave it.  And then, change again, making what I scribbled about before irrelevant.  Compassion, especially for myself, is my current practice.  I need to go to the gym, pamper myself some, we need to go to the movies and indulge in ice cream.  I can understand Julia’s ups and downs; I need to understand my own.  

Julia, by the way, has good and bad days, needs to check every day that we are taking all of her books and stuffed toys, and that she will finish the school year at West High, but she is doing pretty splendidly.  

Right now, I am always tired.  Transition is exhausting. Continue reading

a few days in and around boston

Spring break.  Tuesday through Saturday.  Boston environs.  Pictures now, reflections later.

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First morning in Boston and first Dunkin’ Donut.

The cutest apartment in all of Boston!  A carriage house to a very beautiful old Victorian.  No, I didn’t get it.  I didn’t even get inside to look at it.  The rude RE agent cancelled our appointment after I arrived.  We did, however, climb stairs and peek in windows.  Universe, I’m putting you on notice that this apartment’s twin is my wish list.  Please. Continue reading

learning curiosity

74CDDAE7-CE49-4E60-98E2-38B095EAE245Curiosity.  Perhaps that is the theme for the month, maybe the year.

In Mare Chapman‘s class last fall, (wonderful teacher, by the way) a discussion about feeling ‘less than’ led me to tell the story of my brother challenging my ability to do a task because I was a woman.  One of my classmates asked what I would say to my brother today if he said the same thing to me today and I was silent.  When I admitted that I had no idea what to say, she offered, “I’d ask, ‘Why would you think that?’”  Her answer/question stunned me because it was so simple and yet, so far from my grasp.

Simple curiosity! Continue reading

christmas and home again

I could hav stayed home all day under covers, sipping tea and staring into the fire.  But . . . 

Arrived in Madison in the wee hours of this morning and had a good, long sleep.  This morning we breakfast and then puttered made lists—of all I’ve been thinking of this past week, of getting ready for the new year, of groceries we need to buy today.  Julia googled swords to add to a drawing in Adobe Draw—I am encouraging the use of layers.  Her use is artificial right now and I could be wrong in my directions, but I am assuming the some practice will benefit her in the long run. She is using her new stylus although she is still at times reverting to her fingers. Continue reading

solstice

D6801C3B-79A2-4BAB-A002-9C8960AFB3E0Yesterday’s solstice. The days are gray, almost dark enough to need lights in the house all day.  By 3:45, artificial light is mandatory and by 4:30 the sun set.  I put on out window, porch and tree lights for the night and left them on until the morning. I want to be part of the calling in the light. Continue reading

transitions, holidays & scratching

F8FE9971-36D3-4C2F-9DAF-16512D3E1919State of my world:

Julia’s head scratching has not abated with the delousing and aftermath.  She is losing hair and areas without hair are increasingly visible to the casual observer.  I think she is doing most of her scratching at night before she goes to sleep and when she is alone in the bathroom.  Anxiety, habit, stimming or something else?  Years ago, the way she finally stopped scratching her skin was on a three-strike-and-she-was-sent-home-from-school program.  It was radical and it worked.  I don’t know right now how much scratching is going on at school — I’m checking.  I don’t think that school staff would be willing to put such a discipline into effect.  Of course, if it is mostly at night, that it wouldn’t work anyway. I am in full worry mode.  We will visit our doctor next Tuesday and her shrink on Thursday.   OT is working on it as well. Needless to say, I am without control.

I spoke with a local reporter yesterday about Shabazz High School and my experience last spring when Julia applied for admission and was first asked for an interview and then rejected before the interview took place.  I talked about inconsistent messages and requirements, and apparent exclusion of kids with IEPs.  I told him that just before school closed for the summer and we were about to travel, how I got a call that they were reconsidering everyone who had applied and was rejected.  (I don’t remember if it was rejected without interview.)  Julia couldn’t interview before traveling and when we returned home, I check out the requirements again.  Julia had been summarily rejected for not doing grade level math.  Neither the requirement for doing grade level math nor her math skills had changed.  I decided not to put her through an interview.  I acknowledged to the reporter that the school has been good for kids there and I didn’t want to jeopardize the school for those kids.  And yet, what of kids like Julia?  I am conflicted. Continue reading

catch up

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Beginning of winder holidays 2017!

The wind has been howling for 27 hours sweeping away the last unseasonable warmth of the year.  The sun is brighter today than midsummer and shinning in unusual windows at unexpected angles.  The barometric pressure is . . . all over the place(?).  Snow by the end of the week.

I usually blame early winter decorations and Christmas music on Julia’s desires. This year I take some credit.  Daily news is an assault on the democratic principle I believe in. Not just democracy–greed and cruelty are on the rise, spearheaded by a Republican party that has been highjacked by the the worst of humanity. The lyrics from Cool, Cool Considerate Men from the musical 1776, repeat in my head over and over through the ever increasing disgusting trump news cycles:

Well, perhaps [there are not enough men of property in America to dictate policy]. But don’t forget that most men with nothing would rather protect the possibility of becoming rich than face the reality of being poor.
And that is why they will follow us!
To the right, ever to the right
Never to the left, forever to the right.

Continue reading