“No, no, there is no going back.
Less and less you are
that possibility you were.”

Wendell Berry’s words are in my bones. Indeed!  I have done this before —picking up my stuff, going someplace else, starting again, but never before have I so observed the process.  Never before was there so many balls being juggled with the hope that I can catch them all when gravity kicks in.  Never before has it been so bittersweet and hard.  I bleed bit by bit from Madison every day.  

I am almost the tiny man in a midair jump in the tiny painting that I have on my bedside.  There is no guarantee that he was land on solid ground.  I am not yet in the air but I am no longer on solid and familiar ground either.  

Some dear ones took me to dinner last Friday and gave me earrings that I may wear every day for a few months. Such sweetness in the company and dinner, so many kind words written and spoken.  Madison has been so good to me and I am getting and craving hugs.

The house / apartment, hunt continues.  I obsess, sometime frustrated, keeping in the front of my mind that only a few weeks ago, I was obsessing about the selling of my house.  One more stage and I just need ONE apartment. Hours for days spent texting, emailing and phoning with a real estate agents.  I’ve “seen”—Cheshire visiting in person and carrying around me on FaceTime—four places in the Newton South High School district.  Three were adequate but ugly; one, a little brick house, was really okay but small.  And I don’t know if I can make it work.

A few nights ago, I woke up at 4 and resolved that I wasn’t going to live in ugly!  So, the ugly places are out.  Prettier places don’t want cats or are in the north of town.  The dearth of possibilities in the south of Newton is pushing me to take the little brick house.  Yesterday, I spent a lot of time talking to two friends.  The first conversation ended in the resolve to make the best of the situation, take the brick house and move again next year.  The second got to how I am not taking care of myself and that Julia going to Newton North should not be discounted if we can find somewhere to live that I will really like.  This morning, I’ve retrenched and hit the ground running.  I’ve emailed/phoned all of the RE agent who have shown us places or with whom I’ve talked, expanding my zone of inquiry to all of Newton.  I’ve combed the listing sites and called more agents.  So far, there are possibilities but no apartments for Cheshire to visit yet.  I am trying not to drive her crazy but it may be inevitable that I tax her beyond her generosity.  

This is stressful.  I’m giving myself until the weekend to find something better than the little brick.  I didn’t expect this to be a happy experience, house hunting is always stressful.  However, the stakes seem higher and stress is mounting.  I am sitting with patience and belief that the work will yield what it is I need.  I sit with remaining open to possibility.  Amazing how quickly I want to define.  Adventure requires imagination.