the pace of change

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Not at all what the house looks like today, but my favorite picture of my home.

House on sale today.  The listing.

The House: Staged.  Stripped of it finery.  My finery.  Even the periwinkle walls of my bedroom are bleached white.  Adorned with ersatz tchotchkes and fake ferns.  Upstairs hall echos when I call up to Julia in the morning.  The ethos of the house is a disturbing dream of a home I have abandoned but not left.  Dali or Esher-like?

Me: tired, grumpy, stressed. Discovering how home is rooted in the art on my walls and the books on their shelves. Terrified that the pace of change is picking up. Yes, I know, I pushed that stone down the hill. Continue reading

changing

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Another penguin rehearsal.

I haven’t found time to write all week.  I’m a little off my game and way too intense.  It’s all about the work of getting ready for sale.  My house, quickly becoming “the” house, will go on the market March 15.  Ok, there may be some wiggle room but around then.  I’ve been in the basement all week sorting, tidying and chasing cobwebs.  Stuff.  All that stuff that I put to one side after finishing my big basement cleanup 7 years ago.  I didn’t know what to do with that stuff then and unfortunately, gremlins didn’t steal into the basement and take disposition into their own hands. In truth most of that ‘stuff’ should go into the trash with just a bit that might be useful going to St. Vinnie’s. But how to trash a statue of the BVM, won in a third grade catechism bee, whose base is so chipped she doesn’t stand anymore? If she was small I’d put her on my meditation altar but she is tall, would dominate the eye candy and would fall over.  I make piles, then divide the piles, clear out the trash piles, stuff the St. Vinnie piles into bags and put those in my car trunk, and then repeat.  Piles of stuff are slowly diminishing, moving boxes are mating and begetting.  Continue reading

learning curiosity

74CDDAE7-CE49-4E60-98E2-38B095EAE245Curiosity.  Perhaps that is the theme for the month, maybe the year.

In Mare Chapman‘s class last fall, (wonderful teacher, by the way) a discussion about feeling ‘less than’ led me to tell the story of my brother challenging my ability to do a task because I was a woman.  One of my classmates asked what I would say to my brother today if he said the same thing to me today and I was silent.  When I admitted that I had no idea what to say, she offered, “I’d ask, ‘Why would you think that?’”  Her answer/question stunned me because it was so simple and yet, so far from my grasp.

Simple curiosity! Continue reading

of big snow flakes and natal days

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More Aboriginal Art that I did not buy.  Next time!!

When I go to open the journal/blog file and it is not in the “most recent” list, I know for sure it has been too long.  My fingers ache with my scribbling deficiency but my head is stuffed with Earth Science facts, easy algebra and a lesson on loving myself from James Baraz.  

Lately, I have not been happy.  A bit overwhelmed and second guessing myself about my big decisions.  Dissatisfied and pining for a different life. This morning, life is good! Continue reading

2019 resolutions

Sarah-Kaufman-And-Then-There-Were-ThreeI make resolutions.  I have know people who have not approved of this habit, some pretty vocally.  And I still do it.  I like setting goals and I am not undone failing to reach them.  I’ve lived in Julia’s therapy world for a long time and when she does not meet a therapy goal set within the prescribed time, it is either carried on or modified.  So too, my resolutions.  Certainly, the resolution to consider or contemplate home which has been on my resolution list long before I began posting resolutions is a perfect example.  From the time I left NYC for the midwest, I’ve puzzled over the idea of home.  NYC was home.  Now, the pieces fit. Home is simply where the love is—family and friends and warm community.  Madison has been home, first because it was where David and I lived together and then because I was determined to reclaim life and be a part of the community.  Of course, I’ve known this intuitively for a long time—such a Dorothy moment.  And these days, my eyes are fixed on Boston as home, a home as precious and satisfying as Madison has been.   Continue reading

solstice

D6801C3B-79A2-4BAB-A002-9C8960AFB3E0Yesterday’s solstice. The days are gray, almost dark enough to need lights in the house all day.  By 3:45, artificial light is mandatory and by 4:30 the sun set.  I put on out window, porch and tree lights for the night and left them on until the morning. I want to be part of the calling in the light. Continue reading

evolution

It was cold last night, only a few degrees colder than it was the night before.  At least, I think so.  And the thermostat was not set particularly low.  But we shivered through supper and homework.  Julia had had a moderately challenging day—she was late for study hall, her stomach hurt during reading and she still couldn’t present her earth science project due to some IT problem with her powerpoint.  She had math and earth science homework and a Death of a Salesman test to study for, and it was admittedly harder than usual to catch her attention. Once she was working, she was fine, though her processing speed slowed to a half crawl at times.  But we got through it all. She was incredibly tired which has become the new normal more than half her days.  I’m not sure if it is that without the ADHD meds, her body runs down sooner, or that she is exhausted from working harder to concentrate on any form of work throughout the day, or something else.   Continue reading

morning reflection

Not a wave, not everything I wanted, but a check and possibility a balance and a call to accountability by at least one house of Congress.  Possibilities that did not exist yesterday.  It is politics and you never get everything you want.  In 2016, there was nothing for me.  Today, Julia is over joyed that Scott Walker is out—8 years, or is it 28, of union busting, gutting Wisconsin schools and selling the state to the highest bidder could possibly stop.  It saddens me to see how much of the country is still red in the worst way.  Not the conservatives of my youth (that I did not agree with but respected) but  a racist, misogynist, white national basket of deplorables with leaders ready to lie and manipulate almost without reason and certainly for political expediency.  Still, the deplorables and their leaders have ushered in a wave of opposition that has been depressed and despondent since 2016 and uninvolved for a good long time.  Women and people of color have stepped up and I believe that they are here to stay.  Brava!  Bravo!  Walking outside this morning, I felt Madison breath a sigh of relief—shoulders look a bit lower, music sounds a bit more vibrant, the cold air feels a bit cleaner.   There is tittering in the coffee shop this morning and a shit-eating grin on my face.

Now to work.

transitions, holidays & scratching

F8FE9971-36D3-4C2F-9DAF-16512D3E1919State of my world:

Julia’s head scratching has not abated with the delousing and aftermath.  She is losing hair and areas without hair are increasingly visible to the casual observer.  I think she is doing most of her scratching at night before she goes to sleep and when she is alone in the bathroom.  Anxiety, habit, stimming or something else?  Years ago, the way she finally stopped scratching her skin was on a three-strike-and-she-was-sent-home-from-school program.  It was radical and it worked.  I don’t know right now how much scratching is going on at school — I’m checking.  I don’t think that school staff would be willing to put such a discipline into effect.  Of course, if it is mostly at night, that it wouldn’t work anyway. I am in full worry mode.  We will visit our doctor next Tuesday and her shrink on Thursday.   OT is working on it as well. Needless to say, I am without control.

I spoke with a local reporter yesterday about Shabazz High School and my experience last spring when Julia applied for admission and was first asked for an interview and then rejected before the interview took place.  I talked about inconsistent messages and requirements, and apparent exclusion of kids with IEPs.  I told him that just before school closed for the summer and we were about to travel, how I got a call that they were reconsidering everyone who had applied and was rejected.  (I don’t remember if it was rejected without interview.)  Julia couldn’t interview before traveling and when we returned home, I check out the requirements again.  Julia had been summarily rejected for not doing grade level math.  Neither the requirement for doing grade level math nor her math skills had changed.  I decided not to put her through an interview.  I acknowledged to the reporter that the school has been good for kids there and I didn’t want to jeopardize the school for those kids.  And yet, what of kids like Julia?  I am conflicted. Continue reading

follow up & rugelach

CCCD0247-5F0D-4278-B8F6-9758819B1B5AAfter two reminder emails to my list of PTB (“Powers That Be”), Julia was picked up this morning in time to get to school on time. Her case manager texted me that her bus was on time and  she was not marked late during first period. I’m holding out for a week before I ‘get off my high horse,’ as my grandma used to say.

However, just because nothing is ever sweet and easy—This morning we went to the door three minutes before her ride has been scheduled to find the bus waiting.  I don’t quite know when it got there and I hadn’t received any word that she would be picked up sooner than her scheduled time.  I really don’t mean to look a gift horse in the mouth (Barb, lots of horse idiots today!), but it felt that it was just a wee bit passive aggressive to reschedule the pick up without any word to me.  Because the bus has been coming late, we have been going to the door just on time.  If we had this morning, the bus would have probably left.  I’ll swallow this complaint right here, because I know what response I would get.  I’m not even going to add to my thank you that a schedule getting Julia to school on time should have been worked out before school started.   Continue reading