making application

Yesterday, the sun rose although we needed the bathroom light to brush teeth close to 7:00 o’clock.  Two hours later, there was dim light in the distance to the north and all else was dark. We had wind and shaken new leaves falling.  Storm.  Thunder rolled in.  I sat with legs over the arm of my leather overstuffed chair, a pillow at my back so very aware of the moment and its passing.  Six weeks minus one day.  Are Madison storms  different from the storms on the east coast?  I think so although I don’t remember how.  I remember our first Indiana thunder storms — fierce and furious.  Storm drains filling so quickly and rushing so fast.  Cheshire in First Grade in the south of town and us stuck midtown Bloomington.  No cell phones then (except on tv), all we could do was wait. I don’t remember what storms were like in NYC or Jersey.  Or Boston for that matter.

I will make comparisons.

With renewed vigor, curious about what we could find, Cheshire visited 4 apartment yesterday after her work day.  The last place she saw in the north of Newton, is the first floor of an owner occupied two-family, heavily wood-worked, excellent stove, 3-bedroom house.  The fireplace may work and there is a place for our desks and Julia’s art supplies.  I am making application.  Perhaps we have found the new home.  The school—it is Newton North—I will do some writing to PTB in the next month and then much more when we arrive.  Perhaps that beautiful building will serve Julia well, if not, I will ask for transfer to South.  Yes, more questions that I am trying to love.

moving van in 6 weeks from today

“No, no, there is no going back.
Less and less you are
that possibility you were.”

Wendell Berry’s words are in my bones. Indeed!  I have done this before —picking up my stuff, going someplace else, starting again, but never before have I so observed the process.  Never before was there so many balls being juggled with the hope that I can catch them all when gravity kicks in.  Never before has it been so bittersweet and hard.  I bleed bit by bit from Madison every day.  

I am almost the tiny man in a midair jump in the tiny painting that I have on my bedside.  There is no guarantee that he was land on solid ground.  I am not yet in the air but I am no longer on solid and familiar ground either.   Continue reading

night to remember

Night to Remember is a prom-like experience designed to celebrate kids, teens and adults with special needs. Participation is completely free of charge, and includes dresses, tuxedos, make-up, hairstyling, jewelry, corsages and boutonnières, limo rides, a walk down the carpet with a cheering crowd, photography, a gift bag, snacks and a night of dancing!  It truly is a night to remember!”

It takes awhile to get ready at home, including a quick dye of her lightened hair to  match her dress.  Then I insisted on the tradition mom pictures at home.

Continue reading

on sunday

Muta, the cat, wants to sit on my chest as I type.  He wants to lick my fingers and get closer.  He purrs very loudly.  I’ve put him down twice.  There is little time for reflection right now and I should not let this go.  Still, is it Muta who really knows what I need?

Yesterday, I drove to the burbs of Chicago to see Julia’s Optometrist and Cognitive Therapist.  Dr. Z’s staff did a batch of eye tests with something akin to computer games, replacing some of the more traditional looking testings. Using a computer allows for a record of the tracings of Julia’s eye movements as she reads or follows directions like looking reft to right as quickly as she was able. The results are startling. I wish I could compare it to my own eye movement tracings to Julia’s.  Of course, just seeing Julia’s results and having them explained are enlightening.   The testing provide some of the why’s of Julia’s challenges.   Continue reading

just today’s scribbles

So much change, so fast, none of it bad but all of it pushing over the edges of comfort.  I start and scribble and then leave it.  And then, change again, making what I scribbled about before irrelevant.  Compassion, especially for myself, is my current practice.  I need to go to the gym, pamper myself some, we need to go to the movies and indulge in ice cream.  I can understand Julia’s ups and downs; I need to understand my own.  

Julia, by the way, has good and bad days, needs to check every day that we are taking all of her books and stuffed toys, and that she will finish the school year at West High, but she is doing pretty splendidly.  

Right now, I am always tired.  Transition is exhausting. Continue reading

a few days in and around boston

Spring break.  Tuesday through Saturday.  Boston environs.  Pictures now, reflections later.

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First morning in Boston and first Dunkin’ Donut.

The cutest apartment in all of Boston!  A carriage house to a very beautiful old Victorian.  No, I didn’t get it.  I didn’t even get inside to look at it.  The rude RE agent cancelled our appointment after I arrived.  We did, however, climb stairs and peek in windows.  Universe, I’m putting you on notice that this apartment’s twin is my wish list.  Please. Continue reading

the pace of change

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Not at all what the house looks like today, but my favorite picture of my home.

House on sale today.  The listing.

The House: Staged.  Stripped of it finery.  My finery.  Even the periwinkle walls of my bedroom are bleached white.  Adorned with ersatz tchotchkes and fake ferns.  Upstairs hall echos when I call up to Julia in the morning.  The ethos of the house is a disturbing dream of a home I have abandoned but not left.  Dali or Esher-like?

Me: tired, grumpy, stressed. Discovering how home is rooted in the art on my walls and the books on their shelves. Terrified that the pace of change is picking up. Yes, I know, I pushed that stone down the hill. Continue reading

changing

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Another penguin rehearsal.

I haven’t found time to write all week.  I’m a little off my game and way too intense.  It’s all about the work of getting ready for sale.  My house, quickly becoming “the” house, will go on the market March 15.  Ok, there may be some wiggle room but around then.  I’ve been in the basement all week sorting, tidying and chasing cobwebs.  Stuff.  All that stuff that I put to one side after finishing my big basement cleanup 7 years ago.  I didn’t know what to do with that stuff then and unfortunately, gremlins didn’t steal into the basement and take disposition into their own hands. In truth most of that ‘stuff’ should go into the trash with just a bit that might be useful going to St. Vinnie’s. But how to trash a statue of the BVM, won in a third grade catechism bee, whose base is so chipped she doesn’t stand anymore? If she was small I’d put her on my meditation altar but she is tall, would dominate the eye candy and would fall over.  I make piles, then divide the piles, clear out the trash piles, stuff the St. Vinnie piles into bags and put those in my car trunk, and then repeat.  Piles of stuff are slowly diminishing, moving boxes are mating and begetting.  Continue reading

learning curiosity

74CDDAE7-CE49-4E60-98E2-38B095EAE245Curiosity.  Perhaps that is the theme for the month, maybe the year.

In Mare Chapman‘s class last fall, (wonderful teacher, by the way) a discussion about feeling ‘less than’ led me to tell the story of my brother challenging my ability to do a task because I was a woman.  One of my classmates asked what I would say to my brother today if he said the same thing to me today and I was silent.  When I admitted that I had no idea what to say, she offered, “I’d ask, ‘Why would you think that?’”  Her answer/question stunned me because it was so simple and yet, so far from my grasp.

Simple curiosity! Continue reading

konmari’d

img_4026We have been!  If there is one person in my circle who has not heard of Marie Kondo, Japanese tidying diva, you need to check out her Netflix show and her website. https://blog.konmari.com. Wait, let me walk that back.  If you house (and your life) is orderly and tidy, if you have only what you need and are not burdened by the excesses you carry, ignore this goddess.

But for us . . .

Today is the first day back to school in a week.  The cold has kept us inside apart from necessary grocery runs and the kick off Penguin Project meeting last Sunday.  We did manage to host a spur of the moment dinner party at the beginning of the week, cabin fever averted for the moment.  Julia and I studied for the same two exams, a week delayed, for a few days and then gave up.  Over prepared could equal not prepared at all. Continue reading