Author: Suzanne Buchko

chasing joy to Italy & beyond

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New venture day.

When I began blogging, there were not many people writing about the challenges of adopting an older child and I felt that as much as I gained from writing about our family experiences, it also was information and support for others.  When our family moved on and I was blogging about grieving and putting life back together again, I lost the concept of providing information and support to anyone.  I needed to blog for myself and gather a community of loving souls around me, reading my words and offering support.  In the past year, I’ve become aware that my writing had changed again.  I like journaling about my life, Julia’s doings and our lives together.  I like sharing reflections about spirit moving and refrigerators.  And I’ve wanted more.

And I have a terrific case of wanderlust.

When we traveled in Italy last summer, I did not see many single moms and kids, I didn’t notice many kids with disabilities traveling with parents.  I’ve been poking around travel websites recently and have been listening to many podcasts.  Only a few talk about single parent travel and I haven’t found any about traveling with kids with disabilities. And so, I’m going to give myself the challenge of some niche travel writing.  I have no idea if I can do it, if I can be any good at it or if it will serve any purpose, but none of that is a reason not to start.

As a friend of mine says each time we begin the Japanese Crane style Qigong, ‘And so, we begin.’

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new machines

 

Gluten free banana pancakes with date spread.  I took a number of pictures of the stove and fridge and they looked silly here, but the food is okay.

Dreary early spring in Wisconsin.  Yes, a few brilliant days come our way but lots of cold, damp days.  Is this our British weather?  Julia wants to wear spring clothes, especially light jackets, but relents after opening the morning door and standing on the front porch.  I am no better, putting away hats and gloves and then retrieving them when I find myself shaking outside.  Still, my neighbor’s daffodils, the ones that are in her protected side yard and bloom weeks before mine out front, bloom.  They bud and stall.  They are beaten down by wind and hail.  I pick a few and put them on my kitchen window.  These three will have the benefit of light and warmth.  These three bloom for days.  Almost without end.

Last week, my new appliances were delivered.  They are not perfect—the fridge door is dented and the only fix is a new door to be ordered.  The top of the stove is cracked and there is a question whether there is some part to be changed or a new stove to order.  There is more to this in a paragraph or two but I have given myself over to the glory of fully working machines.

Continue reading →

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dreamin’

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The narrow streets of Cornelia.  June, 2014

Cue background music:  Mamas and Papas “California Dreaming.”

Cue soap box speaker:  I am chewing over two big travel dreams/plans that I need to share.

First, Summer 2016: A week in NYC to visit family and see Hamilton (Yay!) and then 5 weeks in Italy.  Or 4 weeks in Italy and a week in and around London.  Just the tiniest bit anxious about this because I want to buy the airline tickets, not cheap but decent.  Which will change soon.  The week in and around London would be to spend time with Cheshire who will be in Cambridge for a wedding.

Second, Summer 2017-2018: A year abroad.  Julia will be finished with middle school.  I have been pondering taking her out of school for a year to travel.  Using it like a gap year (yes, early, I know) and returning to put her into ninth grade.  Lots of logistics to work out education wise. Continue reading →

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recherchez

 

2016 pysanky   

I have not been writing. After a while, the lack of writing catches up with me and I feel a constipation of the spirit. After a while, I have nothing to say. Find it incredibly hard to begin. After a while, I am hollow and all I can reflect on is that I am empty of reflection. It is then, now, that I want to dive into an impossibly big, BIG project. A novel! A three act play! A fantasy trilogy. Something that I can get so lost in that I can forget the huge hole in my heart.   Continue reading →

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dress rehearsal curse

First came the Friday rehearsal.

In a gymnasium full of noisy cellists, Julia warmed up for the rehearsal of the strings festival. She was disappointed not to see anyone from her school among the cellos although last year, she was the only cellist from her middle school to participate. There were probably a gaggle of violinists but they warmed up in the cafeteria before coming into the gym. The mellow tones of a couple hundred cellos plus a few dozen basses created a din.I was my usual tense self for these kinds of gatherings. I wait for behavior. I wait for interruption or speaking where no speaking is called for. I wait for some grownup to tell Julia she cannot use the music. One of the rules of the festival is that kids memorize what they play but early on that was impossible for Julia and teachers waived the requirement. I waited, sitting as close as I could to her. Two years ago, her aide sat with her, last year, her teacher made sure that a sympathetic student was next to her. This year, she sat alone and I crossed as many extremities as I could muster, wanting and willing this to be a positive experience for her.

Continue reading →

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shelf life 

Stuff wears out.
There was an old bottle of shampoo, Neutrogena T/Gel Total, that was sitting on a shower shelve for five years. I don’t like it and only use it when there is nothing else in the house. David used it. But I have used it now and again and again, and last week, It was empty. Time to toss the bottle. For just a moment, I was nostalgic. Was this the last household item that belonged to David? Could I throw it away? I could add a few more dramatic questions–in my head, I did–but without drama, I threw it in the bathroom trash can. A few days later, Julia emptied that can into a bag to be put into the trash.
Without drama, but I was aware of it leaving the house. Continue reading →

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being julia 

Julia news: we are very much in the two steps forward, one step back frame. Forward: After a discussion about the Native American woman coming to talk to Julia’s literature class today – the class is reading “Touching Spirit Bear” – Julia wanted to know where Native Americans came from. A good question. After I answered, she opined that she was a Chinese girl fro China being raised by a Ukrainian mother from Ukraine–not quite that simple but close enough to be correct. And then, she asked what her father was. “My father.” She has never said that before and never asked anything like that. I said Jewish and she quickly asked if we celebrated Chanukah and Passover because David was Jewish. Then she asked is she had to believe Jewish beliefs. I was impressed, perhaps she is listening in RE class, but we were getting into a discussion that was too big to take on before waffles and tea.   Continue reading →

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Photosynthesis

  On Saturday, Julia and I sat in the sun drenched widowed front of a sausage shop feasting on Chinese-southwestern inspired links and real French fries. None of it our usual fare. Then again, the amount of sun pouring through those windows didn’t feel like usual fare either. So much so that I squinted as I typed and Julia’s glasses turned a very dark gray. But we did not move. I squinted as long as I could little and let every inch of exposed skin drink in the light.   

Perhaps I photosynthesized. Julia did not humor my hypothesis.

February ended in a gentle breeze and I was convinced that spring was around the next corner, not more than a month away. We spied some green shoots in the front garden. Of course, the first of March, it snowed chasing away my belief in early spring.  

I will carefully begin gardening again this spring. A month at a gym and religiously doing my PT exercises is beginning to reap results. There are actually days without pain meds and activity stopping pain. And I can bend down! I have never before taken such joy in retrieving dropped paper. I can even put on my socks without sitting down. Still, I have been grumpy so much of the last few weeks. It has been a long sloshing trek towards wellness. I am not there yet. Still a bit scared to go to a yoga class. What if I re-insure myself? No reason to believe that this will be the case but . . . 

Oh, I hate “buts”! There was a point during the last month when I confronted the notion of not gardening again. Of not returning to yoga class. Of making a much more sedentary life. I took it in and tasted it, like one does with fine chocolate. I understood something new about possibility before I spit it out and headed to the gym.  

I cannot help but be an optimist. Perhaps cockeyed, to be sure.

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cake

IMG_4527Snow-rain-sleet stopped and the roads are looking better after the morning rush. My day  looks clear and it takes no time to fill it up with the gym, cooking, maybe baking, the wash, reading, and finally sending out a resume for what appears to be a ‘perfect’ job. Julia is in school late today so she can go to the Harry Potter club. The after school club rules require that kids first go to a homework club right after school and so she will come home without her usual math sheet. Reading and cello practice will be all that is on her agenda for the evening. She will rush through both so she can get back to her sewing. Julia is still hand sewing and using felt most of the time. I am determined to give her a good sewing machine lesson during the upcoming long weekend.  She still does not think in terms of what the machine can do for her.  I don’t want to stop her hand sewing but a quick, strong seem is a lovely thing!  And it stays together.  I question if she should learn pattern following right now or whether coming up with her own should just continue.  I am thinking of sewing along side of her, using a pattern.  Will she notice?

Isn’t it still January?  Continue reading →

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macarons

IMG_4467There are all sorts of ‘new year’ experiences and feelings that come and go, some leaving impressions, some not even marked.  Anniversaries with their days before and afterglows can be awful and terrifying and tender and lovely.  Today is my birthday and this year it is marked with visits from two of my favorite people, one of whom braved a winter storm-not really-and a gathering tonight.  It is, will be the most festive birthday I have had in a long time.  It is the first time I have asked for festivities in a long time.

And yet, I waver. Continue reading →

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