panera morning

I sit in Panera for coffee and a bagel tapping, answering email, commenting on Facebook, setting up a few meet ups with friends. Panera, at least this one, in the morning is a senior zone. Couples mostly. Of course. In small groups of a single gender or uneven, odd numbered mixes. Is this what substitutes for the boomer bar scene?

I am content just sitting with carbs, fat and caffeine. Observing. There is a woman at the next table who is not. Not happy. She sits alone holding onto a paper cup of hot liquid in front of her. No book or paper or electronic device to accompany her or pass the time. She has not planned for independence. She is waiting. Her fingers tap the cup. She looks at her watch. She looks to the door whenever it opens. The color in her cheeks rises. Her eyes are troubled. She avoids looking at anyone, including me. I would smile at her given half the chance. Continue reading →

Posted on 1 October 20163 October 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 1

capturing focus

When my friend, Cindy, wrote “What’s sparking joy?” on her Blog, Yarnstead, she asked the question: “So, how to get back to that top ten, how to recapture the focus I came back from Alaska with last year?”

Good question! So much on my mind. I wanted to call her for coffee and chat, I expected her to be at Saturday service at FUS but instead, days later, I write.

I know, I know. Yes, yes! I know. How? And not just how to recapture the focus for sparking joy, but also, how to hold focus in the midst of whirling chaos. How to recall and return to it when the immediate fires are put out? How not to dissipate that wonderful energy on those immediate fire that inevitably flare up.

Yes, good question. Continue reading →

Posted on 19 September 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 3

all that no longer fits

Yesterday was a day of issues and challenges. Two to be precise. Two challenges that I had no idea I was going to come home to. Both require lots of energy and some decisionmaking. After 24 hours of fretting and feeling sorry for myself, for us, it was time for action. Action, in some cases, is a number of phone calls, messages left and then patient waiting. So a measure of frustration gets added to the mix, but I posted on Facebook and also on my neighborhood listserv about the appropriate issues and the response from neighbors and friends has been so supportive. And I really needed that. A hazard of living alone, no one to vent to or commiserate with. Online friends are not the answer to all the hard situations of the world but it felt good to keep one eye on Facebook responses as I started cutting down my beloved garden.

Continue reading →

Posted on 16 August 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 1

first week of summer

The week passed very quickly. It was Thursday before I realized the Tuesday had ended. We did lots of “things.” We both struggled with the transition from school life to vacation life. As much as Julia has transition challenges, my transmission faulted time and time again and I did grind the family gears repeatedly as we sought the new normal.

During the week, I finished the big spring garden job of mulching. With Julia’s help and forbearance. On one hand, I hate the specificity of the process–clear all weeds, dig the defining trench and heap on the chips hauled in black plastic bags from our free town mulching site. On the other, I get to make many garden decisions–what is weed, when is overgrown, what is taking over. I get to edit my garden. And I get to interact with every plant–congratulating the delphinium in glory, enouraging the new hollyhocks, clearing space for the little holly in the back garden and appreciating the bed that is growing up surrounding David’s bench. To do all of this, with Julia either helping or sitting doing math and reading near by is no small task. And we did it. Continue reading →

Posted on 19 June 201620 June 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 1

lessons, gardens & travel plans

The days just move along and move along. It is all a-whirl.

Seventh grade ends tomorrow. This is only the second time that Julia has greeted summer with enthusiasm. She understands enough about time to appreciate breaks. I find the transition from school to vacation unnerving. Work in school has been on the wane. Her big “country project” for social studies was finished two weeks ago. Her last book review and spelling test about a week ago. Math has dribbled to a close. Continue reading →

Posted on 9 June 20169 June 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 4

curmudgeon cracking

I’ve been wallow-y lately. Lots of stuff going on and little of it easy or smooth. Last week, I cried to the universe: Can’t anything in my life go smoothly!? I think the universe answered: no. Honestly, when I get like this, I’d really like to climb out of my skin and give it away. Who in their right mind would take it?

Self pity. Ugly, messy stuff. A gaggle of quotations run through my mind. I get it. Self pity. A dangerous elixir.

Pouts:

The school year is not winding down gracefully. Julia was late to school six days in a row. A lack of focus on doing the tasks at hand is the raison d’être — redressing a doll, picking up some reading, working on a lego piece has all taken precedence to getting washed, dressed and ready. The loss of focus happens in an instant, my back turns, I make my bed, I run downstairs to start the kettle. And Julia has been disrespectful to teacher twice this week — refusing work, speaking inappropriately, being generally mean. I live in dead fear that this will escalate and mark her as a trouble maker. I fear alienating the very people, her teachers, who are her lifeline to the world. Continue reading →

Posted on 15 May 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 0

new machines

Gluten free banana pancakes with date spread. I took a number of pictures of the stove and fridge and they looked silly here, but the food is okay.

Dreary early spring in Wisconsin. Yes, a few brilliant days come our way but lots of cold, damp days. Is this our British weather? Julia wants to wear spring clothes, especially light jackets, but relents after opening the morning door and standing on the front porch. I am no better, putting away hats and gloves and then retrieving them when I find myself shaking outside. Still, my neighbor’s daffodils, the ones that are in her protected side yard and bloom weeks before mine out front, bloom. They bud and stall. They are beaten down by wind and hail. I pick a few and put them on my kitchen window. These three will have the benefit of light and warmth. These three bloom for days. Almost without end.

Last week, my new appliances were delivered. They are not perfect—the fridge door is dented and the only fix is a new door to be ordered. The top of the stove is cracked and there is a question whether there is some part to be changed or a new stove to order. There is more to this in a paragraph or two but I have given myself over to the glory of fully working machines.

Continue reading →

Posted on 12 April 201613 April 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 0

cake

Snow-rain-sleet stopped and the roads are looking better after the morning rush. My day looks clear and it takes no time to fill it up with the gym, cooking, maybe baking, the wash, reading, and finally sending out a resume for what appears to be a ‘perfect’ job. Julia is in school late today so she can go to the Harry Potter club. The after school club rules require that kids first go to a homework club right after school and so she will come home without her usual math sheet. Reading and cello practice will be all that is on her agenda for the evening. She will rush through both so she can get back to her sewing. Julia is still hand sewing and using felt most of the time. I am determined to give her a good sewing machine lesson during the upcoming long weekend. She still does not think in terms of what the machine can do for her. I don’t want to stop her hand sewing but a quick, strong seem is a lovely thing! And it stays together. I question if she should learn pattern following right now or whether coming up with her own should just continue. I am thinking of sewing along side of her, using a pattern. Will she notice?

Isn’t it still January? Continue reading →

Posted on 3 February 20164 April 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 1

macarons

There are all sorts of ‘new year’ experiences and feelings that come and go, some leaving impressions, some not even marked. Anniversaries with their days before and afterglows can be awful and terrifying and tender and lovely. Today is my birthday and this year it is marked with visits from two of my favorite people, one of whom braved a winter storm-not really-and a gathering tonight. It is, will be the most festive birthday I have had in a long time. It is the first time I have asked for festivities in a long time.

And yet, I waver. Continue reading →

Posted on 23 January 20164 April 2016 by Suzanne Buchko 0

week of thanks

A week of New York City, Queens, in particular with excursions into Manhattan, the center of . . .

Julia noticed that the streets of the West Village were “like Torino but in New York.” She marveled at the windows of Li-Lac Chocolates with dinosaurs, old telephones and a chess set in chocolate.

Julia and I visited Google, as the guest of a cousin. It is a wonderful, strange, some what disconcerting world. Huge floors with unusual work spaces– Julia wandered into one, quicker than I could stop her, attracted by the toys on top of a computer–play spaces including a Lego work space that Julia is still talking about. Honestly, their wall of Lego parts was as big any at the Lego stores. It is an edgy design, some cool Soho and loft like, some gritty industrial. Along some halls there are cubbies and hideaways and the cafeteria, the one that we saw, feeds employees like an upscale restaurant for free. What would it be like to belong to that club? Taken care of or shackled? Or both. It was fun! And vaguely scary. Like dipping into a world apart from the city. Apart from any life that I have lived.

We spent most of an afternoon at the Guggenheim’s Burri exhibit. It was all very modern and abstract. Julia has not been very interested in the abstract but she listened to the commentary (I finally figured out how to download a museum’s app! Yay!) and appreciated many of the pieces. There was a large canvas that had sheets of metal attached and soldered together on it. After listening that Burri lived close to a town with notable Renaissance frescos in the churches and how he was influenced by that work, Julia noticed that the solder lines were like a crucifix and the few red splotches are like Jesus’ blood.

Well, I didn’t see that. All that abstract work, prompted realism and coloring.

Cheshire took us to the Flushing China Town which she claimed was bigger than Manhattan’s. It was huge, a bit less polished than its Manhattan cousin. We ate fresh noodles in broth with a few kinds of meat, green veggies and spicy red stuff. The streets were lit with more signs per building than could possibly be read, reminding me of old pictures of the Lower East Side, long before my tenure in the city.

A few days before we left for NYC, I managed to buy tickets to “Spring Awakening,” a musical revival produced by Deaf West Theater. It is as splendid as what I have read suggests. A musical with deaf and hearing actors, one in a wheel chair. Deaf actors dancing! An assemble so tight that they seem to breathe as one. A chilling story of Victorian (?) oppression and teenagers being the fearless explorers that they naturally are. A wonderful set, incredible lighting-such rich fare for eyes and ears.

I wanted to see this show.

But

It has a limited run and tickets were scarce and expensive. I didn’t imagine I had a chance of seeing it and these days I suffer more than usual from not seeing theater.

But

I was enamored by the show and joined its website a few months back. Then last week, there was an announcement that in honor of the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) 25th anniversary, they would be offering a few $25 tickets for thanksgiving week. I clicked through and bought two for the Wednesday matinee (the only tickets I could find) before I knew who I would take, so amazed that I really got them! A friend and I sat in god’s heaven-the ensemble work only enhanced by our bird’s eye view. It was marvelous! And I was very grateful for the gift.

We celebrated at Cheshire’s boyfriend’s family with more food and conversation than any one person could take on. It was delightful with at least one parting comment that someone hadn’t gotten to really talk to me and a hope I would be back before next thanksgiving. Cheshire surprised me by arranging for an old friend from Woodstock (the town, not the festival) to join us. We talked our way through the 24 hours of his visit. Wise friends are truly a gift.

I wished I had taken more pictures. I am happy I could enjoy the presentness of the moments without the need to record. And on return, I fit back into my day-to-day, squirm a bit not much, and I feel a growing awareness that I will return. I do need to live in that city again.