happy new year

First day of First Grade
First day of First Grade

First day of school.  Forgot to take a picture.  Other than that, a good send off.  Julia picked her clothes last night, woke up with a minimum of complaints, did morning routine (a week with printed schedules is paying off) and walked into the playground alone.  I hope she made it to the classroom.

I watched from the car.  A moment.  Julia in the middle of the small middle school playground.  She looks around.  She begins to approach one cluster of girls and then another without making it to either.  What is she thinking?  There is still no friend, no one she can be sure of a greeting from.  No one she recognizes as someone she can be sure of.  I know of at least a few.  If I could, I would mold a friend from clay and breathe life into the form for my girl.  However, realistically, if this approach might be considered realistic, Julia is still not a good friend herself.  It is her inability to do more than greet and exchange non sequiturs with someone that keeps her from developing friendships.  My heart goes out to her — I want to keep her spirit brave until she figures out conversation and friendship.  I want her continue to be willing.  I worry (as if worry would do any good) that she will decide that other people are not worth the work of learning how to communicate with them.

I watch from the car.  A moment.  Julia stands in the middle of the school playground.  Alone.

First day of school.  I get time without Julia back.  So far today, I’ve gone through the piles on my desk (no surprises but lots to answer), had my handyman clean gutters and take out a cracked window and schedule roof repair, visited with my social worker about waiver renewal, filled out Social Security documents due at the end of the month, talked to Julia’s old OT to see about a new sensory assessment and washed dishes.  When I started this paragraph, I actually thought I hadn’t done anything today.  Ummm.

What I haven’t done is the work I consider my own.  I have two Mindful Circle workshops to plan for and get some publicity out for.  I have a website to work on.  And I want to spend some alert, waking time writing.

There is more, of course—a website for Julia’s art, exploring educational options for Julia for high school, really learning something about blogging and website development, clearing out the basement (once again), some physical activity, clothes shopping and learning Italian.

Yeah, I need to focus.  I admit to the heady feeling of freedom from continual child care, to overwhelm looking at a to do list that has no end, and to a dab of self pity that I cannot immediately do what would make me the happiest.  However, there are no complaints here.  I have so many privileges and blessings.  Perhaps I should be writing all of those instead of grousing about tasks.

First day of school.  Needed to turn on the air conditioner last night for the third time this summer.  Lots of bug sounds in the air.  Morning sitting with Julia.  A phone query answered.  These words, however few, have been tapped into the machine.

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