Feeling like a super mom today. Exhausted but endowed with power and magic. Today is never easy. 7 years. Another anniversary of the beginning of my unexpected life.
I have long entertained the idea that the cells of the body are recycled bit by bit every 7 years. Where did I hear that? I have no idea, but if it were so, there is no cell in my body left that actually knew David. Could that be? Even if it was the general rule, I imagine my cells clever enough to bypass such ignorance. They might have whispered and conspired, perhaps saving one very, very old seven or eight or nine year old cell and sitting at her “feet” to listen to stories of when I was not lonely. And really, there was that time when I knew joy without effort. And maybe in the stories of that old cell is the seed of a coming time of such joy. Just maybe.
Usually, on this day, I go gentle on myself. Last year, in NYC, the year before in Venice and before that home with friends eating together and watching a much too long movie. Today, I leaned in hard. I woke up with muscle cramps as if I had run a marathon in my dream life. A drive to Chicago for Julia’s new therapy and then back in time for her social skills group in Madison. Then, home to make caesar salad, albeit after a short lie down, and watch our new Studio Ghibli movie, When Marnie Was Here. And now, lying in bed, tapping. Tired to the bone.
On one hand, I felt like I was gritting my teeth, willing myself upright and forward all day. On the other, I went from strength to strength, daring myself to finish what I set out to accomplish for this day. And so, for a second or so, before I drift off and hopefully fall into something akin to a dream of flight and fancy, I imagine myself with red cape and large M on my chest.
I did it. We did it. Yes, we did.