“It’s the heart that knows the path. The mind is just there to organize the steps.” ~  Jeff Brown

I am tired, sleepy tired.  Is it related to the scratchy throat that I’ve had the past few days?  I certainly have done nothing to exhaust myself — unfortunate that because I am in dire need of physical activity.  I promise myself to go out in to the garden and work but . . . yeah, but the weather.  Saving grace is signing up for the swim club this summer.  The pool has a daily water aerobics class that I am planning to take.  Last year, our first year at the pool, I learned about the class after I had scheduled Julia’s lessons, therapies, and appointments.  I could at best make it to the class three times a week.  “At best” meaning usually twice, sometimes once a week.  The class is written into my planning this year, so I expect to hit many more classes.  Three a week?

An email from one of my LEND mentors reminded me of the now of many endings.  My LEND experience that I stretched over four years is over.  So, is the two-year Quest experience.  My online classes are over on Friday, and my mother’s estate is a hair close to finally and completely closing after five years.  So, it should not have been any sort of surprise that I’ve been having transitional dreams — endless final exam and first night performances — and I’ve begun a very deep cleaning of my desk and file draws.

Seemingly spontaneously, I began culling, sorting and preparing Julia’s fifth grade papers and setting up summer and middle school files yesterday.  I thought I was just doing a few files, but as I was moving papers and files around I realized that I had not reconsidered my file organization since the first organization during the year after David died.  Four years later, there is stuff I don’t want, stuff to put in long time storage, stuff to rearrange and make useful, dear stuff that I have no need for but that I pause over and wonder when if ever I will part with it, and a file draw full of my mother’s estate matters that needs that same culling and sorting that Julia’s school work needed.  The life business files — bills, pensions, investments, taxes, medical records, papers related to things I own, etc. — have become awkward and need revision.  These were the papers that were split between David’s filings and my own four years ago.  I didn’t even want to combine them when I did it — still in the magical thinking phase.  I always meant to re-organize when I figured out what I needed, what I didn’t and how I needed what I needed.  Then life got busy again and it was easier to keep stuffing the existing files than to deal with reorganization.

So, wow.  It takes a long time to be organically ready to organize.  There had to be a whole other cycle of experiences before I could make sense of living day to day and keeping track of life’s necessities.  It feels like a long time, a long road.   I wish it could have been shorter, efficient, more streamlined but it has taken as long as it had to take.  I’ve heard/read the comment, “In god’s time” and thought that I understood what it meant, but now the understanding is deeper and wider. “God’s time” is all time and no time.  It is not the time we track it on clocks and calendars.  So, my heart continues to chart the path and this tonight tired mind catalogues and organizes and makes sure that the bills are paid.