Tag: Julia

more catch up

I have catching up to do and no way to gracefully ease into it.

First, the cat. Muta is still with us; however, it is hard to really know how he is doing. I was waiting for some definitive answer. Some diagnosis and prognosis, but I don’t think I am going to get either.  

For about a week after our weekend in the hospital, he was about 80% his old self.  He wasn’t that keen on going outside but he jumped on the couch and my bed and sprawled out when he napped during the day.  He was on an appetite enhancer.  He ate the canned food that I had.  I gave it to him in small amounts—about a quarter of a large can at a time. He willingly ate it.  I think it was not enough to really satisfy him but he stopped throwing up. I imagined he was getting use to being fed 4 times a day; however, over the last weekend he began to throw up again. At least, once a day. On Monday, I went to a vet. She did a follow up blood test to see where his liver and pancreas related numbers were. I haven’t heard from her yet. She also did a bit of hydration for him and gave him a shot of a nausea suppressant.  She said to continue with the steroid until she got the blood work back. 

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 2

unexpected life

Begun on the 5th, finished on the 7th.

Sitting on my back porch, in some stillness. In my sight lines are some less than perfect pots of flowers and herbs that I’ve planted and babied in the blistering heat, a brilliant hydrangea in our back garden that is in full bloom, and the garden behind ours, long neglected yet still punctuated with blooming perennials that are too stubborn to recognize that they are no longer tended.

Yesterday was rather idyllic.  A summertime community picnic in Concord.  Hot dogs, Wilbur’s first, and hamburgers, sweet tea and strawberry shortcake.  And apple pie with vanilla ice cream. Firefighters set up a flat house with flames coming through windows and doors, all on hinges, and gave children the chance to aim a “real” fire hose and shoot water at the flames until the flames were defeated.  The line was too long for Wilbur to wait, for any of us to wait, but he loved watching other kids with the hose.  There was a playground with a sand pit for the pleasure of the littlest ones including Wilbur and his aunty Julia. There was a four piece band of what I thought of as old codgers playing blue grass and old rock standards.  Those codgers may have been younger than I am.  Best of all, we took a train to the picnic!  Wilbur’s current high interest topic is trains of all sorts and sizes, and so we met three stops on the transit line from Concord and took two little train rides to and from the picnic.  It was well worth it as everything about the train, especially moving, was fascinating to the little boy.  

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 1

return

Happy Summer! (lots of this was written over the past 10 days)

Today’s longest day antics: A screening of flying lessons, the film by Sarah Waldron that Julia is in, late lunch with a friend, and horror movies tonight.

Yesterday, June 20, was our really longest day—up at 5 am to begin our ride to Jersey City for the Golden Door Film Festival, a stop at The Cloisters when we realized we were way too early to check into our hotel.  Loved The Cloisters. Hadn’t been there since before Cheshire was born. Finished the ride, found our hotel and some parking —Jersey City has not changed as much as I had imagined in the century since I was there —took naps, went to the opening night party for the festival, saw a bunch of very short and short films and fell into bed somewhere just before midnight.

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 0

more letting go

I could ask how many times? How much more? Again?  Really?

A plastic box, book size, has been sitting on the kitchen floor for a few months.  I could use the excuse of a hard winter of feeling sick as an excuse for just leaving it there but it would be just that — an excuse. It was one of those boxes filled with what needed to be moved 18 months ago, what had some sentimental value, what did not find a home in the new house and what did not really warrant storing for another day. But to give it all away or to throw it all away felt sinful.

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 0

back on the horse & adulting

After what feels likes way too long being homebound and cut off from social activities, I’m venturing to HILR today and my last two classes of the semester.  I would not even do this but I enjoyed the classes so much, the first three anyway, and want to catch up and also say good-bye for the summer.  I also have a rehearsal for a very short play that will be/should be part of next week’s Black Box presentation.  Yes, we are a bunch of old people doing plays for one another.  I’ve miss a solid two weeks of rehearsals and missing today would have consequences.  I know lines and been rehearsing with one other actor on zoom; however, the business of scenes is still lacking.  

And I am not completely better.  I am tired and rather weak. Especially my voice.

But willing to try.

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 1

the colander eclipse

We didn’t travel to the path of totality although such an ominous name appears to make travel obligatory. We didn’t see the umbra. What a cool word.  Feels good in the mouth speaking it. We didn’t see Venus or stars as one friend opined last week.

Muta, the cat, didn’t seem to notice at all.

About an hour before the light was altered by the moon on the east coast, I looked at the directions to make a pinhole camera. As friends from the west coast and midwest were posting pictures on Facebook, I saw a picture of the eclipse through someone’s colander. 

I grabbed our colander, my pin hole camera and some canvases and set up our viewing post in the backyard. Neighbors were going into the street to watch with their eclipse glasses. 

When Julia got out of The Ride van, I rushed her into the backyard. The sky was already darkening and shadows all over were deepening. The view in the colander was cooler than in the pinhole camera.

We attempted a selfie with the sun in the background.

Julia noticed that the whole eclipse took too long.  But we also noticed that the shadows were unusually deep and their darkness was rich. The yellow of our daffodils was like dark-yolked eggs and the light had a feeling of somewhere else, somewhere where filmmakers choose to make period movies. 

I admit to being unexcited by the celestial phenomena and never considered traveling anywhere to see it better than I could from my backyard, but its magic and light worked itself on me as we stood in the backyard looking through our colander. In another world, at another time, this would be holy.

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 0

babka and ambition

Another grey, wet and cold day.  Am I ever going to put my winter coat away in the hall closet?  I’ve put it away and taken it out again twice.

This morning supervising Julia at the library during her volunteer time. Observing what she can do and do well, and how much she gets in her own way. She has so much more ability than she uses. Mood and lack of regulation ability dampen potential. Trauma masks the possibility of ambition, and without ambition, goals are hard to come by. It’s the goals that have helped me push through bad days. I’ve lived through many a hard time murmuring “eyes on the prize.” When you can see no prize, where do you ever put your eyes.  

This morning, my friend wrote, “you’re not supposed to ace this.” I sigh. I guess I’ve always wanted to ace all my “this.” Time and age and especially Julia have smoothed out so many of my edges. I accept a good deal more and haven’t thought much about acing for awhile.

Living up to potential is not always what I imagined it to be. These days, acing my this is more about support and patience than it is about getting anywhere, accomplishing anything.

Trauma and distraction crowd out aiming for a prize, staying on task and target. And acceptance and flexibility become the goals.

Should I have realized this years ago? I am not a quick learner.

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 1

a long meeting towards independence

Our day so far.  Julia uses The Ride, the para-transit service that provides door-to-door, shared-ride public transportation to people with disabilities. Julia uses The Ride to get to and from her day program and she likes it. This year Julia’s eligibility was set to end at the end of March. I noticed this fact about 6 weeks ago and called an MTA help line to find out what to do. I was advised to call one number and that speaker advised me to call another.  After a few phone calls, I connected with the Mobility Center, made an appointment for today, filled out the nine page form (large print so probably about 6 pages worth of information) and showed up the Mobility Center just before 8:30 for our appointment.  I planned for an early meeting so that Julia could get to her Library volunteer hours which begins at 10.  (Note: I didn’t receive any notice of the end of Julia’s eligibility. No call or text or email. If I was not as compulsive as I tend to be with Julia’s affairs, I would have missed it and she would have been without The Ride until we could get an appointment. And Julia would have never remembered or noticed on her own. I am grateful for the service but wonder about the lack of a reminder.  I could have used it. Julia would need it. I put a calendar date for myself three years from now, and I’ll put it in Julia’s calendar tonight. The need for such vigilance makes my blood run cold. Not for The Ride but for all the other things that she may miss in her future.)

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 0

waiting & not waiting

Waiting.  Big snow storm predicted for the day. Over the past two days, the outlook changed from hour to hour.  I think it was supposed to begin overnight and that got edged up and up until I decided that we could do Julia’s volunteer time at the library.  It is raining and it is chilly, but not cold enough for serious snow.  A few flakes were falling during our ride to the library but if I wasn’t expecting snow, I might not have identified what fell as snow flakes.

And things were cancelled yesterday—many school districts, Julia’s day program, CRI rowing tonight.

Even my phone said it was snowing this morning long before there was anything but rain coming down.  

And waiting to see if my persistent cough is a flu.  I’ve been coughing—sometimes more, sometimes less—for months now.  Covid recovery, dry buildings, maybe a cold.  Just on and on.  However, today I woke up with more—heavy eyes, feeling like it was a bad night’s sleep even though it really wasn’t, maybe a bit warm, and now sitting in the library, my skin is beginning to hurt and all I want to do it go to bed.

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 0

a big ask

I am reaching out, looking for some help. Some of you may know that I have not been able to find appropriate day programming for Julia.  

Julia turned 22 in January, and she was finished with school related programming. She was not ready for employment or further education. I hoped find an appropriate day program for her, specifically a Community-Based Day Support (CBDS) which develops and fosters core skills and vocational attributes necessary for social and vocational independence.  However, ever since the Covid lockdown, it has been very difficult to find a place in a CBDS. Most programs citing the difficulty in finding staff. 

At present, Julia attends programming that does not meet her needs and is not helping her to foster core skills or vocational attributes.  I have been working for the past 18 months to find her an appropriate program but as this year ends, I don’t see that she is any closer to good programming than she was when she left school in January.

Julia is eligible for services through the Department of Developmental Services (DDS), and I’ve turned to their Participant Directed Program (PDP) to meet some of her needs.  Julia has been funded for three days of support through PDP; however, while the PDP offers flexibility, creativity and opportunity to individualize supports for an individual, it also expect that the family will identify, hire and train the support staff.

Continue reading →

Posted on by Suzanne Buchko 2