always through, no matter what

A boy bringing in the new year.

“Get your shoes on. It’s time.”

Four days after Christmas, a few more days after Solstice, and one less than a few days after Chanukah. There is still New Year’s to look forward to or dread, but we are still in that breathing time amidst all these holidays. These are always days that I don’t expect to do or accomplish much. Not that these days are just for rest but for playing with paints or starting a 1000-piece puzzle or clearing that little pile of things with no place they belong on the kitchen counter or piling a whole bunch of papers from all over the house onto the in-box on my desk to be sorted at some unspecified future time. Nothing is resolved, but small movements towards big steps are being taken.

Yes, it has been like that these last few days.

Julia went to her day center last Friday. Ed and I went to the gym and then spent the afternoon on our laptops, reading, writing, and planning a weekend in NYC to see a friend’s play and to celebrate Julia’s 25th birthday. It will be cold—we remind each other a few times, thinking about where we will stay and how we’ll feel about public transport in the middle of January. And walking.

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the work

The work of Christmas.

Some of choir is singing for both services and if Julia didn’t have to sit through both services, plus the early call for rehearsal, I’d sing both. There is a song in the second service—Sing we now of Christmas—that is evocative of the dark night and the quiet before celebration. I was happy to do it at choir practice.

A new choir song that we are learning for Christmas Eve.  There are two services that night.  7 and 10, or 10:30. This is the only time of year when we are in the church at night.  The stained glass windows are dark from the inside, no color except from the outside. I don’t notice the stained glass windows that often, but when they are dark. I see them clearly. 

The Work of Christmas is a song, according to our director, that Everyone is singing. The message of the song is that the work of Christmas begins after the tinsel is off the tree and the shepherds are back tending their sheep. It does seem like the perfect Christmas song in this year of tumult and chaos.  A time when we have so much work to do when these holidays are finished.

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morning after

Veterans’ Day: The end of World War I, called the Great War before the next war. This national holiday sees the fewest people off from work—that is the way that we count holidays, right?  I have an oral surgeon appointment this morning, Ed has a doctor’s appointment, Julia’s day center is open, I don’t have my HILR class, Julia has no rowing, and parking is free in Boston today. If there was ever a time to observe and ponder the end of a “great war,” it is today. My very deep hope is that we are not headed straight into another war that the Washington fascists are putting into place. 

Generally, I don’t agree with the most progressive of conservatives, but I would never agree to silence them forever, to ensure that a Republican politician never wins again. I thought that was part of the rules we play by. And yet, that is what this administration is saying—they are going to fix it so no Democrat can ever win again. This is not inference or subtext or even something overheard at a secret meeting. They say it loud and clear for every one of their minions to hear. And they are knee-deep in a dozen conflicts that they are making up as they go along—Orwell had nothing on these guys, these white guys and their lifted and painted white ladies.

Today was a quiet morning.  Perhaps that is why I can give over a few brain cells to a political rant. It is the calm after the storm.

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vermont 1

Shelburne, Vermont. Definitely morning frost. And thank goodness it also turned chili at home before we left. The extra sweatshirt thrown into the bags at the last minute will be used!

Ed and I are ensconced in a sweet and small B&B owned by an architect turned painter and her husband, who is very nice, but I haven’t drilled him on his work life. Yet.

Julia is at Zeno Mountain Farm for a five-day, four-night weekend. She went to their fall weekend last year and was invited back for this year.  (She has not yet been invited for summer camp, which is my goal for her. Once invited, she can come up every year for the rest of her life.  Everyone does, and thus, the wait is long for a spot.) She helped me pack her stuff and then re-pack when we found out how cold it was really going to be. The ride up was pleasant and uneventful until we got to the country road part that goes up and down a mountain for almost 30 miles, okay, a small mountain. Julia began getting angry, anxious, and extremely unpleasant.  At one point, she lobbed a sweater at Ed, who was driving. She spent a good deal of time swearing at the mountain, the road, and us. By the time we arrived at the Farm, I had to spend time with her trying to figure out what she wanted to do. (Not at all sure what we would do if she wanted to not go to Zeno altogether.)

I was unsure if we could leave her.

And then she went through the big farmhouse doors, and someone said hello to her. And in almost an instant, or at least a few minutes, she was all smiles. Hugging two people she knew, ready to hand off her meds to the nurse and go to her assigned room on the third floor. When she came downstairs, she was ready to have us leave. She gave us happy hugs and went off to a giant bay window with couches in front of it to watch the sunset. 

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news of the week

Julia came home from The Price Center on Thursday with two pieces of news.  First, that she had gone to the YMCA with peers. She got on the van and spent the morning on the stationary bike, if she is to be believed. I am not sure she spent the whole morning there, but when she goes to the gym with me, mostly on weekends, she can do 40 minutes on the stationary bike. The big part of that news is that she was willing to leave the building!  She has gone on a few community visits, like the zoo, to help with watering plants, but that was of high interest to Julia—she loves zoos, loves watering. I know there is a lot more going out into the community that she can take part in.

Fingers crossed that this is a beginning. 

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no. 15

Fifteen years is a long time. I can tick off who has grown, where and how we’ve lived, who has come into my life and who has left, what I have learned and some of what I have forgotten, what new toys I have acquired and what I have let go of. It feels like a lifetime of change and it feels like a moment.

Fifteen years ago today, around lunchtime, David died. I still miss him. I can almost imagine sitting down and having a conversation with him. I have so much news and so many questions. At the same time, however, I cannot imagine it at all. He is too far in time and space and changes away.

Time seems to have wiped away, wiped clean, the most painful missings, the heart-wrenching grieving, leaving in its wake a sweetness, a place from which strength could be built. I know the pilings on which this life I now live rests.

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of time and cabinets

Today is my parents’ wedding anniversary. They were married in 1948, 77 years ago. In August, it will be 45 years since I was married. Two weeks from now, it will be 15 years since David died. And two days after that, I will have known Ed for 3 years.

Timing is not everything, but it is something.

Julia is on a respite weekend, and so, the house, with just Ed and I waking up, is quiet. I slip out of bed, pour some ice coffee previously made, grab my bed shawl (the one Cindy made for me), and open the laptop.

I make lists all the time. Impossible lists of tasks related to everything from researching supported housing for Julia’s future to finding a literary agent to trying a new salad dressing. It is a long list.

Before the beginning of summer, I felt that my plate was too full—too many tasks on my lists. The very list meant to facilitate action was paralyzing me.  And so, I simplified—trying for a summer of 5 goals which grew into 7 and sprouted to 11, still less than the list I usually answer to. Am I too old for a truly simplified summer?

Perhaps.

This weekend, I got to one thing!  Painting the old china cabinet.

This apartment that I live in does not have enough storage. Not the worst storage I’ve lived with, but far from the best. To supplement what I have, just a bit, I kept the offered china cabinet that was in this apartment before I moved in.  My landlord told me it belonged to his mother, and I accepted that; however, since he is younger than I am, I expect his mother was younger than mine. This china cabinet was certainly not my mother’s style, much more like the one of my paternal grandmother owned.  And I vaguely remember that my maternal grandmother had one as well. From this I conclude that the cabinet probably belonged to a grandmother or great aunt and passed down to my landlord’s mother. I will have to ask him.

The cabinet is from the turn of the last century, made sometime before the 1930’s. It is near 5 feet tall, made of dark red wood. It is plain and sensible, with a glass door in the center. The door is closed and locked with a little key that also served as a knob.  It was the same with my grandmother’s.  Alas, the key is lost. I keep the door closed with a thin piece of cardboard shimmed into the space between the door and frame. My grandmother’s cabinet lost its key a few times during my early childhood, usually found on the floor under the edge of the carpet.  Once that key was found in the vacuum cleaner bag when it was emptied, and once my bother took it upstairs into our shared bedroom.  

I have thought all these thoughts, remembered all these rememberings as I have painted this weekend. From dark red wood, the cabinet will be a grey-green on the outside and a creamy white inside. The second coat of the outside is drying right now.  Soon, I’ll rip off the masking tape, touch up what I have missed, perhaps add some highlights (although I’m not sure about that), and wait a few days for it to dry. Then I’ll wax it, and it will be finished.

And I will have finished one of my summer tasks and check it off my simplified summer tasks list. It is very good to have a listed item that has the real good possibility of completion. 

coming home

Home.  I have chewed on the concept and the actual location of the place for a long time.  I have lived in places where I never felt at home, sometimes gradually finding enough of my people in those places to hold on and not wither away. I lived in places that felt like home, left them with every intention of coming back, never to return. There are places in-between—places where I felt some connection with the air of the place and made important friendships. Boston is one of those places. I moved from Jersey to Cambridge in the middle 70’s to live with David. He had been at Brandeis, dropping out to play in the pit band of the show, Lenny, and then just staying on.  I liked the city then and the neighborhoods in Somerville and Cambridge where we lived.  I was willing to move back to somewhere around here after we finished our degrees. David wanted NYC as home and very certainly, I fell in love with NYC and had no regrets. 

We never returned together to Boston, and when we left NYC for the midwest, I forgot that I had feelings for Boston, the place. 

And I did not quite realize, when I lived in Madison for twelve years, how much that had grown to be a home. It was a hard place to leave. Not the home that I came from, I will never be a midwesterner but the place with the people who supported me, and Julia, those first years of her with us and all the years after David left.  

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another mother’s day

I brought my laptop to Julia’s year end recital at Berklee. Berklee Institute for Accessible Arts Education.  I will not get much time to sit and type but I was pretty sure I would want to get it out as soon as I sat down. I do and we have some time until recitals begin. 

This year the musical step taken is that Julia will play her cello without me sitting with her. This is the step forward after a few taken back. Back in Madison, when Julia was playing with Martha Vallon, she always played without someone sitting with her; however, when Julia emerged from Covid shutdown, she was not willing to be on the stage alone, not willing to do her own counting or take full responsibility for what she was playing.  I see some change now.  It has been a long way back.

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truth and grace

I’ve been composing something in my head—about how Julia new placemet is going and how home is going and generally, although somewhat anxious about the world around us, I am feeling optimistic.  I thought that it might be the entry which would kick off the end of the  memoir that I’ve been working on off-and-on, although for the last few months it has been mostly off.

I hadn’t written this optimistic mostly-happily-ever-after post because I’ve been busy.  Feeling better means catching up and keeping up.  Tuesday night, I congratulated myself on getting my tax stuff together to give to the accountant.  Slowly, I’ve been feeling rather good and almost organized enough to do for myself.  

But you know, the shoes always drop. I’ve been waiting for them.

Monday night, Julia had an extremely runny nose. She had been coughing some a few days before. I gave her some decongestant Monday evening and she went to bed early. When I woke her up Tuesday morning, she didn’t want to get up.  A different kind of not wanting to wake up than usual. And so, I told her to go back to sleep and I called her van ride and her program. John, the program director, said she seemed off on Monday and asked if anything was wrong. He said she asked for quiet space. When I asked her about it later, she said she was not feeling that well on Monday.

She slept all of Tuesday, waking only when I asked about food.  She ate a late breakfast and an early supper, and after each she went back to bed and sleep.  When she woke up Wednesday morning, she seemed well and in a good mood. She got ready and got on the van without any difficulty.

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