Julia had a very bad day at her program on Friday—perseverating on her body that she finds many, many faults with, making lots of self-harming statements, banging her head against the wall, putting hands on a staff member.  After an initial melt down with lots of shouting, it took 40 minutes for her to gain some calm which is far longer than usual.  She took a walk with staff which seemed to restore equilibrium, but once back at the program’s building, she slipped back into melt down.  

And I did the unthinkable.  I was not available and could not be immediately reached.

I am not feeling badly or guilty about this absence, but the fact remains, her team tried to call and text me and I was not available—available to talk to them, available to talk to Julia, available to come and get her.  And my unavailability made everything worse.  And she does not have the tools she needs to self-regulate, to regulate with the help of people who know her well.  There are times when she can not regulate without my direct intervention.

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