Muta died last night right after Julia left for the movies.  I was glad that she wasn’t home.  It wasn’t a bad death but it happened right in front of me.  I don’t know how Julia would have handled it.

Muta hadn’t eat at all yesterday. In the last week, even on appetite enhancers, anti-nausea meds and steroids, his eating has been sporadic and he has thrown up nearly everything I’ve given him. There was nothing more the vet could do for him. He had slept on my bed just three nights ago, jumping up as always. The last two days, he stayed mostly in the bathroom on the rug which he liked and under the kitchen table.

Julia left for the movies around 5:20; I was cutting tomatoes to roast.  Muta threw up under the kitchen table.  He laid back down and some of his fur was in the vomit although by this point, vomit was mostly a clear liquid.  I wanted to get the tomatoes in the oven and so didn’t immediately clean up the floor.  A few minutes later, Muta got up and walked to the back door.  He meowed very loudly.  He usually asked to go outside but not in this voice which had a strident sound.  Since he has been sick, I’ve kept him inside but during this last week, I had been letting him out. Sometimes he went into the backyard, but mostly he kept to the porch, finding a bit of sun and stretching out.  

And that’s what he did.  I noticed that when he walked outside, he weaved a little bit and almost bumped into the porch post. He laid in the sun and he began breathing in a very usual way—kind of like he was forcing breaths in and out of his lunge and using a lot of his body to accomplish his breaths.  I sat with him and kept a hand on him.  Then, he gasped twice, breathed out and his mouth fell open.  His eyes lost their focus and his breathing was very shallow.  He seemed to be letting go.  I stood up to go in to check the oven and as I did, Muta stretched his legs. It was like a giant yawn, that first stretch in the morning and then he was completely still.

It was not an awful death. I hope the vet visits and medications did not cause too much pain and suffering. It was good that I was there with him when he took his last breaths. I would have hated to have him die alone, or die inside under the kitchen table.  He always loved the outside, he loved the adventure of every neighborhood he ever lived in—on the porch, in the sun was a good place to take a final breath.

Julia came home and was very sad.  She cried about Muta and our dog who died ten years ago and her father. Death is death. Every death wraps around every other death in our hearts.  

Very early this morning, I dug up some lily bulbs that I’ve wanted to get rid of the fall, and Ed and I dug a hole in our side garden bed. Julia wanted to bury him like we did for Latkah, our dog.  We will find a stone for her to write his name.

And then this time of Muta, this time of Muta ill, this time of Muta dying was over. And not that he was ever a noisy cat, but this morning, the house is quieter than I remember it in a long time. Yes, death occupies and changes everything.

This morning, I washed all the small rugs that Muta threw up on. I washed most of them last week, but they could all use it again. The bigger rugs will get cleaned in the next few weeks.  I’ve been spot cleaning with vinegar and water constantly for the last month or so. I gathered up all Muta’s food—some wet, some dry, some chunky, some pate.  Trying to get him interested in eating has multiplied the variety of foods for a cat who spent most of his life eating only his dry food. I found someone who fosters cats and she was happy to get anything I was willing to give.  So, food and treats and a few toys are in two bags on the front porch for her to pick up.  I cleaned his bowls and his litter box. Those will go to the basement for now.  

It was good to be busy and yet, when I paused, I could feel the quiet of being without a spirit who usually occupies the house.  Muta has been the man of the house for his life and once again we are a house of women.

Just one more thing: Muta was named for a big, fat white cat who appears in two Studio Ghibli anime films.  Muta who is also named Moon and in one film is revealed to beRenaldo Moon, a notorious criminal in the Kingdom who devoured a whole lake of fish in one sitting. Muta could be serious, a fierce warrior and also silly and lazy.  We named our kitten Muta and trust that he would grow into such an illustrious moniker.

And he did.