Today is a day of doing small things for any number of reasons.  Julia’s continuing bad mood limits activity.  There is a building up of small tasks that have accumulated and feels like a much larger burden.  I am expecting dinner guests, my neighbor from upstairs, tonight and I have light duty as to the cooking.  And so, small things—gym this morning which was good for exercise and whose aim was to mitigate the foul mood that a Julia woke up with.  It didn’t work.  Cleaning up and pruning the window boxes on the back porch and washing the porch with the hose. Making cookies to go with a fruit dessert that I usually just make during the holidays for tonight.  Hanging pictures in the hall that have been on the floor for two weeks. Writing a few email, begging for help with Julia’s services.  And now, sitting down to write just a little bit.

I have had trouble sitting down to write.  Not finding the time when I am at my best and wanting only to veg out when I am tired or feeling overwhelmed.  And that is most days.

Julia is into her fourth week of being phone free.  I wanted her to be internet free; however, her day program allows her on their computers as much as she wants (I hope that they have a few meetings and trainings when she cannot get on the computer) which means she is still feeding the trolling-the-net-addiction. A few weeks ago she was going from a full day on the Elliot House computer to a full night of phone use. She was sunk deep into IA conversations and games that took her further and further away from our real lives. And she was happy to live in what was not real. She firmly says that she doesn’t need friends or anyone to talk to, she doesn’t want to do anything and she doesn’t want to live in reality.

So, four weeks ago, I partially broke the cycle by taking her phone from her and not allowing phone or iPad use when she is not at Elliot House.  I took away all internet access this 3 years ago during another summer and it is no easier now.  She had been very angry for these four weeks, lashing out at me and whoever crosses her path. This morning was no different.

Last Saturday, she was at a girls lunch, hosted by Riverside Community Care who has been funded to offer transition services for young adults with disabilities who came of age during the Covid years.  Five or 6, and one time 7, young women, none of whom have adequate social skills, go to a restaurant with 2 facilitators. Yesterday was the fifth lunch.  The fourth one was relatively successful after a few early bumps in previous lunches.  I thought lunch 5 would go the same way; however, Julia, detoxing from the internet and angry, lashed out at one of the girls, calling her a “bitch” for no apparent reason. The young woman who was a recipient of Julia’s ire is a safe victim—she, quiet and vulnerable.  Julia had picked on her during the first lunch—I don’t think it was extended name calling and not for any of that girl’s behavior—just a hurtful name.  The young woman felt attacked and hurt. The facilitators went though an apology scenario and then the group went to lunch.

Julia was expressing anger frustration over being phone-less. Other young women brought their phones which added to her frustration.  And the young woman Julia chose to call a name seems to have very few defenses.  I wonder if Julie chooses her victims intentionally? I don’t think she would have said the same thing to another of the young women who I am sure would have given it right back to her.  

No amount of discussion after the fact—and believe me, there was plenty—makes any difference.  When Julia is angry and has focused her anger on someone, no amount of reasoning will steer her away from her  target.  I cannot help but feel awful being the mother of the mean girl in the group because however I can justify Julia’s behavior, she was mean to someone and that person was hurt. Do mean girl moms usually feel guilty? She is not me but I signed her up and brought her.

Julia has alway had a huge reserve of anger.  We have worked on it in multiple therapies and it is still there ready to show itself at every transition and situation with which she does not agree.  I have imagined that one day her anger could be used to further some good. So far though, it has only been used to hurt someone.  This past week, it was turned on me.  Names, complaints, yelling.  I broke down and yelled after we came back from the gym today.  Not proud of that but it stopped her for a little while.  However, after she apologized to me and got over my anger, she was at it again.  It is exhausting. 

Julia is not doing well at Elliot House, her current day program.  The program does not fit her needs.  Elliot House offers support and a place to recover and grow.  It expects clients to initiate, volunteer and join in.  It does not offer structure.  No one is expecting Julia to join into any activity.  It would have been better for her to go into a structured program; however, placement in day programs is almost impossible to find and Elliot House was the only possibility in January.  I hoped with crazy-mother-optimist hope, that Julia might get bored doing nothing or spending days looking at her phone and join into the activities offered at Elliot House.  To be honest, she has spends some time in the kitchen helping staff prepare lunch, but she has not attended house meetings or education, she has not asked to learn anything like employment skills.  She has asked to be taught to use The Ride (a para-transit service) but that has not happened.  I don’t know if she is not asking the right person or at the best time, if Elliot House just hasn’t done that before or if she is easy to ignore. I completely understand why they allow her to stay on the computer all day but I get the fall out at home.

So, I’ve been on the prowl for a new program. There are two possibilities for future months, timing isn’t specific.  Making inquiries, following up with phone calls, even doing tours is time consuming without results.  I am left somewhat frustrated—another connection made, another person to romance, another rejection.  At this point, nothing is personal.  Day program administrators complain about staffing and how they have not called back all their pre-covid clients.

The nothing personal may change this week.  Julia was visited at her current placement by someone from a possible placement last Wednesday.  I haven’t heard from that person which might be explainable.  Everyone is busy.  I don’t expect to be ghosted by this person,  but who knows? I have no idea of her behavior or her attention during the visit.  Elliot House doesn’t share what goes on during the day unless it is inappropriate.

Julia was invited to spend the day at the second possible program on Friday. Her behavior was not good—loud, swearing, stomping and making listening to a instructional video impossible.  She used their behavioral person before she was there for an hour.  I don’t know how that will color their opinion of her and their decision. 

On Monday, she will return to Elliot House and get back on the internet.  My newest worry is that her behavior visiting any program that does not allow for unrestricted internet use will follow Friday’s visit and appropriate programs will steer away from her.

In two weeks, I’ve arranged the she go to an arts day camp that PYD (Partners for Youth with Disabilities) is running.  It is a 4-week experience.  Without Internet!  People at PYD know Julia because she has done other programs with them.  I’ve hoped that the month would help to reset Julia’s mood, her willingness to participate in activities, her eagerness for experience.  Right now, I am not betting on it.

Julia has the chance to volunteer at the library.  This is something she enjoyed at her transition program. I applied, talked to librarians and begged a little.  I will need to go with her as support.  I was hoping that I could make use of DDS funding from their self-directed program; however, her Services Coordinator has not responded to my emails or phone calls for a month.  Not that program paperwork and the onboarding of providers could have happened in a month but right now nothing is happening and if Julia volunteers, I am her support for at least a number of months.

My vision for Julia right now is that she participate in an appropriate program 3 days a week, volunteer 3-hours during two days a week, spend a morning or afternoon (depending on the library) with her art mentor painting more tee shirts and learning to set up an etsy shop and spend the remaining half day on daily living activities like shopping for food and cooking the food or riding public transportation or learning to use The Ride. This is my vision only because Julia does not have a vision.  If she had any desire to do anything, I would be following her lead.

Something to smile about—Recently, Cheshire has been spending some time with me during her days without work. She brings Wilbur to my house, we meet somewhere or I go to her house.  It is a joy spending time with this almost 10-month old.  He has a smile that lights up the room, no, perhaps the galaxy.  Sharing in a few firsts — first time in a shopping cart and visiting Target — is pretty spectacular.  Just hanging out is more than fun.

And during her time with her art mentor, Julia has been painting tee shirts.  I wanted to post a few of them, mostly to remind myself that Julia might find her way back to making art.  Perhaps she will.