Sometime a bit past noon.

We have had a month of ups and downs and I have a lot to digest and report, but today is Father’s Day. 

Trying to remember if we had traditional Father’s Days with David, I think they were mostly brunch, sometimes out, sometimes with Marcia and Matthew who was a youngster during those years, and then a movie.  Matthew and David had movie snack rules—nothing in the mouth until the movie began.  Not during previews or ads, not right after we found our seats, when the movie began.  The rest of us—myself, Marcia and Cheshire—would complain and moan.  David and Matthew never relented.  It was a sweet boys against the girls debate and we always let them win.

Cheshire asked me last week if Julia and I had any traditions since David died.  We had one that lasted a few years.  Maybe until Julia was 11 or 12.  We would buy three balloons—three meant one for David and one each for her grandfathers—which we would plan to release after a walk in the cemetery on the hill in Madison.  David wasn’t buried on that hill, he wasn’t buried at all, but it was a good walk and an excellent cemetery.  The first year, 2011, almost a year after David’s death, Julia refused to let the balloons go.  Instead, she wanted to tie them onto the graves of children—those tiny grave stones that might surround or stand in front of the more impressive family monument of generations of a family.  There was one child’s grave that she liked to visit.  It was of a lamb lying down.  The child had died at a bit more than two years old—her age engraved into the stone in years and months.  The lamb grave stone was an easy one to tied a balloon to, much easier than the more common rounded stones.

I don’t remember why we stopped the balloons at the cemetery but there came a time when I realized that Julia was never going to pick up on celebrations and holidays on her own. I became somewhat exhausted making a big deal of a Hallmark holiday that David never liked to begin with.  

And so, for years, we’ve done nothing.

And this year is different.  

My VNM (“Very Nice Man”), who I am now comfortable naming with his name, Ed Childs, has been taking care of us so very often that I wanted to celebrate him.  Ed is a father in his own right, and from what I’ve observed, he has mentored many young people and is always willing to take on someone else.  And he is a person who cares for everyone so very well asking very little in return.

Finding out how to do the celebrating is no easier with Ed than it was with David.  No gifts, please.  No fancy restaurant.  He was willing to commit to a long walk and a picnic and only if I allowed him to contribute to the making of the picnic.

So, Julia and I, mostly just me but trying hard these days to incorporate Julia into all of my tasks, made a menu, shopped and cooked. Julia can do many kitchen tasks but it takes her a long time to do them and I needed to get my dishes together and cooked or baked quickly.  And so, I assigned her to washing everything that I finished using. She did a good job of it and it was a big help.

Menu: Home made Salty Sweet Trail Mix, Borani-yeh Esfenaj (Spinach Yogurt Dip) with Naan, Roasted Asparagus and Scallion Quiche, Honeydew Melon and Almond Cake With Cardamom and Pistachio to finish.

We should be walking right now with the picnic “baskets” in some car waiting for us to dive in.   However, it has been raining off and on all this morning and this early afternoon.  So, we’ve modified and modified again our plans.  Still we plan a walk, still a picnic.  Possibly the picnic will be in my backyard under my neighbor’s canopy.  One way or another, we will eat and celebrate.

I do not remember how much I enjoyed celebrating David.  I did it with love and care, but did I relish the preparation, the execution?  I don’t know.  I know that yesterday and today, I’ve enjoyed the simple preparation from thinking about it to completion.  I know that I have missed having someone who would be pleased at the time I’ve taken and the work I’ve done.  I didn’t know how much I missed all that until this morning rushing around to finish the preparation. 

This relationship with Ed is a shade past new now and it is in a good place.  I wrote some time ago that I felt rather shallow thinking that I was at my best when I was in a relationship.  At the time, I wanted to be whole and strong alone because that was what I was. I did not want to believe that I was less than whole without relationship. I see now that I was and am whole and independent, I can make a life for myself and please myself but I am simply better and happier caring for and being cared for.  I am simply better in relationship and I am thankful to have one.

The rain has stopped.  Once more plans have been reformulated—the walk will be shorter and we will probably sit on damp-ish picnic tables—and we will celebrate.

Happy Father’s Day.